Ask Victor Ibeh: he kept his love child a secret now he's threatening to leave me if I don't accept him!

Hello Victor, please I need your help. I am losing my mind. I’m a young graduate of 25 years. I have been dating a guy for two years now and we have planned to get married this year. He is supposed to come see my parents in a couple of months’ time. My problem is that he recently told me that he has a 7 year old child. The painful part is not that he told me, but he even threatened to break up if I’m not willing to accept the child. This is a man I have put my emotions in his hands, waking up to threaten me with his dishonesty. Please guide me with the right counsel.

I would say that this situation is not completely hopeless. You are lucky that this didn’t happen after you have formally joined yourself to him in matrimony. You would have been forced to either cope with living with the child in order to avoid the stigma of divorce, or you would have just experienced an early divorce.

At this stage, you still have two options. You shouldn’t exhaust yourself trying to reprimand him for hiding such pivotal information from you. This is because you won’t gain anything from it. It would only hurt you more. Instead of dwelling on his dishonesty, it would be wiser to take action.

You can decide to walk out of that relationship, not because you hate children, but because of the surprise he pulled on you. As a man in our clime, it is easier for him to disclose that he has a child than for a woman to do same, yet women easily disclose that they have children, and make it a condition for any relationship they must get into. For two years and he didn’t tell you about it.

The other reason you might want to leave is that he is being very entitled, and this is a pointer to who he would be in the marriage. He is meant to be remorseful, not arrogantly entitled with all the attendant threats. It’s a shame that when he should be apologising for his dishonesty, he is busy giving you ultimatums. It also shows, to an extent, how much value he places on you.

The second option is to forgive him for his indiscretion and accept the child as yours, regardless of the fact that he misbehaved. This also is strictly your decision to make, depending on how much you are willing to overlook his fault. It could be you in that same situation. I know it came as a shock but you can learn to accept it. A child is no crime.