A friend of mine who wanted to advise me called me some days ago to give me tips about how to catch a husband. She got married last year, and she already made herself my counselor. She said “Nkechi, cut down on all these your excesses. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known you since time immemorial, and I know you are a good person, but no man wants to marry a woman that he can’t control. Just pretend and act like a wife material, then as soon as you get married and better still have a child, you can then do whatever you like. By then, you’ve already secured your place as a wife.” (Paraphrased)
I was having a chat with a friend yesterday, and he told me “you are about everything I want in a woman except the fact that you don’t believe in submission. I want a woman that I can control.”. This is coming from a man that I have not even agreed to date, but already wanting to control me so that I can fit into his idea of wife material.
Earlier this year, a young man who was according to him “head over heels” in love with me suddenly stopped after I told him on our second date that I don’t believe in submission. He started preaching the Bible and I asked him to cut the crap.
These are not isolated cases. I have trashed a good number of guys (prospective boyfriends) for telling me they want a woman they can control. That word “control” irritates the hell out of me.
The average Nigerian man wants a subservient wife; one he can control.
Why would a man thrive in his ability to control his wife?
Why would the success of a relationship depend on one’s ability to control the other?
How did our parents raise men whose self esteems depend on the subservience of the women in their lives, and whose egos have to be continuously massaged by a false sense of authority?
Yes, I’m Nigerian. I grew up seeing this trend in my environment, but I still can’t get used to it.
A man who wants to control me is exactly the kind of man I don’t want.
And if the willingness to be subservient (reducing one’s self) is the criteria to be a wife; then I’m never going to qualify.
There is a problem with a culture that thinks mutual love and respect isn’t enough to sustain a union between two adults, hence one must be willing to be ruled over by another for the relationship to survive.
And what else do we have? A generation of “ball-less” men, most of whom are threatened by the successes of women (or women who are more successful than they are), and who would rather go for less successful women against all odds, just to increase their chances of being in control. And if you think there is nothing wrong with this pattern, it simply means you are part of the problem.
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