Dear Victor: how to deal with work-related long distance relationships

Black couple - long distance relationship

Viva QuestionGood morning Mr Victor, I reached out to you because I saw a post where you were tagged on Facebook. I hope you can help me with good counsel on this issue I want to share with you.

I got married two years ago. My wife and I both work in the banking sector. In fact we met in the line of our jobs. We have been living comfortably at least by basic standard. That is, we have our all our basic needs met.

We have a child already and we are thinking of getting another. The issue is that I recently got a job in the United States of America through a family friend. This job would better my life as it is far better than what I am doing here. I told my wife about it. She actually didn’t know when I was making plans for it.

The problem that made me contact you now is that my wife has threatened to walk out of the marriage if I leave this country. She said she isn’t interested in relocating and that she is not willing to have an absentee husband. Please sir, I need serious counsel. I’m lost at this point.

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Viva AnswerYou have to pause for a moment and see from her perspective. I am also glad that you reached out to me. Most people would quickly tag her an enemy of progress but she isn’t. She is just a woman who knows what she wants and what she can’t cope with.

You have been selfish in your dealings with her. At this point you are just looking at your own gain and not taking the happiness of everybody into consideration. From your explanation, I can deduce that you didn’t have this chat with her before marriage. It is important to have such discussion with someone you want to marry. You need to know if the person is open to relocation or not.

You can’t just assume that she would want to move to another country just because there is hope of greener pasture. Also your so-called better opportunity is not even guaranteed. Have you considered what would happen if you lose that job before a year? How will you cope?

The concerns of your wife are legitimate. When you relocate, who would be taking care of her emotional and sexual needs in your absence? Do you expect her to go into compulsory celibacy on your account?

long distance relationship

The primary reason for marriage is companionship. Do you expect her to marry and still live like a frustrated single lady? If she was still single, that would be a different situation. But as a married woman there are lots of restrictions on her. How do you expect her to cope?

In case you are looking at the possibility of her relocating with you, it would be an unwise decision. Especially, since you are stepping into an unfamiliar environment. How do you expect her to leave her job and move with you only on the basis of your own job?

I would request that you talk with her and see reasons with her. Since you already said you are comfortable, you can just join hands together and invest in other things to increase your flow of income. That way, you would save your marriage, and still be happy together.

If you choose to travel at all cost, you might want to brace up for the consequences. But don’t think she doesn’t mean you well. She means you well. But you are about making a bad decision that is not fully in the interest of both of you.

Do you agree with Victor? Comments below please!

 Next week on the Victor Ibeh Desk - Transparent

Dear Victor I have two serious suitors. They are both without formal education, though very rich and successful in business.

One is divorced but he is quite caring. The other appears arrogant to me. He keeps talking about his spending, for example, taking his clothes to the dry cleaner. When I ask why, he said he is always busy but that when he gets married, his wife would take care of all that. He also tells me that he can’t cook and so is wishing to eat my food.

I don’t even know if I can handle either of them because of their academic qualifications (or lack thereof).

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