On The Matter Lof Indomie Hàn Hegg! A man’s tale of trying to eat noodles by Odolaye Aremu


Hunger is perhaps the most efficient tool of Poverty. Its wicked ability to make the most undesirable suddenly turn desirable is sufficiently magical! It’s the sadistic effect of waterboarding; whereupon a thirsty man forced to drink water in an upside-down position runs the risk of drowning on just a cup of water.

My initial desire was a bowl of Ẹwà Áganyin; pepper-stewed from all angles like a conquered, landlocked city situated within a strikingly cute Pyrex. And, of course, to make it travel well with cubes of mildly done and well-sauteed Dùndùú, accompanied down the muscled, slippery pathway of my oesophagus with Ẹ̀mu Ògùrọ̀, preferably from Ìlá Ọràngún.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t wait long enough for it, as the ceremony of preparing it could probably last as long as my funeral. Already, the Grim Reaper was already gently and lightly rapping his bony knuckles against the wall of my fleshy, famished underbelly.

It seemed my blood sugar level was bottoming out and fast. I was suffering dizziness too. And I hallucinated for a brief; swiftly drifting in and out of reality.

Therefore, I had to make do with a nasty bowl of ‘Indomie Hàn Hegg.’ But what a total waste of the exercise of hunger it turned out to be! Was it me, or is it that noodles come ‘alive’ and become evasive to masticate thoroughly while famished?! I probably would have had better luck chewing on rubbery strings!

My teeth, trying to munch on these damn noodles felt like the odyssey of a tired man chasing after five desperate chickens in a barn at the same time! Felt like clumps of tiny, frenetic live octopuses were in my damn mouth, and my tongue suffered untold fatigue from the ceaseless attempt to block them from escaping my greedy, chomping jaw.

Please show me a man that ‘claims’ he really chomped hard on his twirls of noodles and I can tell you he is a Síríà Kilà! For such man is blessed with the devilish ability to kiss any woman to death!

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