Orange Is The New Black as Trump triumphs over Clinton to become US President


After the Brexit referendum, I stopped taking things for granted and having faith in the inherent goodness of mankind. There used to be a time when I thought “Awww…good always winds in the end,” but those were naive days. So I was scared…so damn scared for the US elections. What particularly scared me was that right till the last day, I couldn’t call it. Even if Hillary were to win, this was not going to be a landslide victory. I did not share the optimism of the Democrats. And now, I see that the world has indeed gone to hell in a hand-basket. Donald Trump president. Wow. Trump is to become president of the United States.

I still hoped. I hoped that Americans would not elect a man who had zero policies. And I prayed; harder than ever before. We had a mad man at the door and I was not sure that we had enough people to stop him.

This is because I knew there were a lot of closet Trump supporters. People who had checked their Facebook walls and had decided perhaps it was not wise to let people know that they were #TeamTrump. As a friend rightly said, Trump continues to climb in the polls but there are no Trump bumper stickers in the States. Democrats proudly pronounced #ImWithHer but there was very little by way of overt support for Trump. Yet, he kept on rising.

As this is a Nigerian news platform, I need to talk to our people. I have seen three streams of consciousness when it comes to Nigerian Trump supporters (aaaargh, even that phrase hurts!):

1. “Good for them. Shebi they supported change in Nigeria? Let them also see what it feels like!”

It is this inability to see the greater good; to understand the difference between the battle and the war, that has us where we are today. “So wetin consine me if dem tiff im okada? E see rain dey fall, e no pack my cloth from libe. Ehn…1-1 na draw.” There is a very strong chance that the WORLD WILL BURN, but that’s cool, ‘cos after all, you have a score to settle.

2. “He’s a businessman and not a politician. He understands business. He says it as it is!”

Even if I were to swallow the fact that Donald Trump is a good businessman (although the thousands of workers he’s shafted out of pay when he declared bankruptcy a mind-boggling four times would beg to differ), what does that have to do with the price of fish? I know a couple consummate dentists too. Does that make them prime candidates for presidency? There is a reason why many of the presidents are lawyers and not businessmen. It is because copious amount of reading, understanding the law, and understanding how to make the country work under strict restrictions is what is called for. Trump does not have these qualities. And if he does, he’s never seen fit to display them.

3. “He’ll come in and put a stop to all this homosexuality something liberal nonsense!”

He can’t. Donald Trump cannot repeal the marriage equality bill any more than he can sort out his bad wig. And he certainly cannot make people straight. He cannot stop people from being transgender, transsexual, or from getting operations. He will be entirely too busy grabbing ’em by the pussy. And Nigerians really, REALLY need to stay out of people’s vaginas and off people’s penises.

I Thought I Had No Words

I’m heartbroken and bereft. Not because I thought Hillary was the Messiah or that I thought the Democrats understood what we needed – jeez, we saw a shocking rise in the wholesale slaughtering of Black people in the hands of the law with a Black president on seat. They ain’t got the answers and Hillary is no Mother Theresa. But because it shows that hatred, prejudice, and unfounded bigotry won. Because I defy a single Trump supporter to show me one single well thought out strategy Trump has outlined throughout his campaign. How, exactly, does he plan to make America great again? How, exactly, will jobs come back to America? Who, exactly, will build this wall? What on earth is the buffoon on about?

Maybe he has a plan, but I ain’t heard it yet. Meantime, I will stay right here, thank you very much. And put a call through to Baba Rachel to see if that plot of farmland in Ijebu is still up for grabs. In case igboro daru pata pata.

Get more stuff like this
in your inbox

Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.


  • Thanks for this Rachel. #3 is the
    actually one that drives me crazy. Do these people realize that Trump allowed an openly gay executive to address the Republican National Convection in Cleveland?

    LGBT rights has come to stay in America.

  • A mirage can never make d oasis.

    Clinton is not as smart and benevolent as she looks while trump is not as stupid and malevolent as u guess.

    D best candidate won… There is a new, selfless and more progressive world order that shall favour Nigeria and Africa..

  • i bet the Democrats lose the election right from primaries by pushing Sanders aside for Clinton. Clinton has been in that office and has a lot of questions to answer from the citizens while Sanders would have be a very good contender to give Trump a run for his money. Shame on the democrats

  • Visitng New York, LA, DC or Atlanta does not mean that you know who the real Americans are. The Real Americans live in Iowa, Ohio, Idaho and all the hinterland States where the Blue collar white workers have lost thier factory jobs and they blame Immigrants, Muslims and Open same sex couples for this. They dont see that the loss of thier jobs is tied to them not being competitive with wages. The US has been on a decline from being the top super power for a long time (Obama only slowed it down). Get ready for the era of being a called a nigger, slant eye, rag head etc

  • Leave a Reply Cancel reply