The #AshleyMadisonHack and 4 Reasons Why Naija Men Ain’t Scurred

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The news broke a short while ago that the online dating site, Ashley Madison had been hacked and the hackers were threatening to release the entire list of subscribers unless certain demands were met.

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I remember thinking at the time – who does this help? Is it the number of partners who were previously blissfully unaware? Is it the divorce lawyers? Is it the creators of the site who have made MILLIONS over the years and will simply go an set up another business literally the next day? Will people miraculously stop cheating as a result of this?

Anyway, my deep questions aside, it seems the list has finally been released. Guilty culprits were initially sweating buckets…till they found out that everybody and his aunty were on that list. In fact, if you’re not on the list, you’re clearly a joneser. I can’t lie, I wanted to check for my name like “Wait, was I sleeping around on my imaginary partner without knowing it?” but no. #ForeverAlone.

Anyway, the names on the list has given rise to rumours that most of the names are forged, fake or mostly normal people not wanting to use their genuine names/emails. And so husbands (and a few wives) across the land are using this excuse and getting lots of mileage out of it. Even my neighbour Mick the bin man told his wife the exact same thing. Chei!

What didn’t strike me as odd was the fact that no Nigerian scandal has broken out yet. I haven’t heard of a single Kola, Chinedu or Usman on the list and there are reasons for that:

  1. No Naija woman is scrolling through some list of cheats to see if her husband’s name is on there. Ignorance is bliss.
    When your friend tells you there is a list of cheats out and you should check it for your husband's name. Le You: Shoro ni yen?
    When your friend tells you there is a list of cheats out and you should check it for your husband’s name. Le You: Shoro ni yen?
  2. Naija men are skilled in the art of getting out of trouble of the cheatin’ kind. Let the owner of Ashley Madison come and say that it’s him and your husband that set up the site together, your husband still be like: Innocent Black Man
  3. A Naija man doesn’t need to sell himself like a piece of meat on online dating sites. He understands simple mathematics.Player
  4. Why would he even pay for it? You know how these Naija bruvvas be all up in your inbox Ashley Madison

Soooo…oyinbo people, handle your business. We? We’re ferry ferry halright. E seun, daalu sor, na gode.

 

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