#TheseAreTheIssues – 17 mad, bad and downright crazy things that happened in 2017

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Nigeria will not allow someone to be great. While you are busy judging one matter; another one will spring up. And now that everyone has data (and that includes senators, apparently 😒), there is nothing we cannot sit and table at the village square. Here are seventeen of the biggest stories of 2017!

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bukola-Saraki-meets-President-Muhammadu-BuhariWallahi, you people will not believe that was how we were looking for our president upandan. President Muhammadu Buhari spent over a hundred days receiving health care in a UK hospital, leaving us in the hands of Osinbajo. The Vice President worked wonders, no doubt, some might say even more than the actual president has done since entering office in 2015, but that was NOT who we voted for! And so it was that the medical and healthcare infrastructure in the nation continued to degenerate, Nigeria became the laughing stock of countries who had previously put some respeK on our names, but none of that mattered, because at least our president was getting better; receiving care from countries that had invested in their own healthcare system.

Big Brother NaijaSee ehn, at a point, even people who discussed the show with scorn went to get DSTv subscription last last to watch it! You have never seen anything like this in your life! One onku denied HIS ENTIRE FAMILY; Nigerians attempted patriotism as they argued why the show should be filmed in another country; and Bisola endeared herself to the hearts of many Nigerians, but based on logistics and the fact say Warri no dey ever carry last, Efe won!!! People got so riled up that even Reuben Abati had to briefly crawl out of his den to write…something sha.

Apostle Suleman and MistressAll I will say about this is that I have been looking at big yanshed “hardworking” slay queens a little bit different since this incident. Every time one of them launches a new car or new house, I’m like 😒😒 – who you epp? Abi who epp you?? Because there was a season of scandal as women came out of the woodwork confessing that they had beheld the blessings of the Lord and it was marvellous in their sight. Wetin kuku consine Apostle Suleman? He just created a music video with his wife and continued preaching the Good Word. Ashewo cum, ashewo go, but tithes and offerings remain – Selah!

Daddy Freeze #FreeTheSheeple PastorsWhat makes this story so annoying is that most Nigerians don’t even send Daddy Freeze! We know of his shenanigans post-divorce, and we’ve made peace with the fact that he’s our national cross to bear. To be honest, we have a couple oyinbos laidat that we’re managing – him and that Common Sense-Nonsense pelzin, Ben Murray-Bruce. We NEVER had him down as the person who would finally call out Naija pastors! I say I never hexperredit! Millions of naira collected in tithes and offering and none of them could come up with a Biblical explanation that could satisfy us braying sceptics? E pain me sha. He reached into logic (however skewed), they reached into petty and personal insults. Haaaa! Men of god o! Odiegwu really.

Olori side eye Ooni of Ife phoneSonia Zaynab Wuraola Itohan Otiti Obanor (delete as necessary) is not celebrated as often or as well as she should. It is not everyday that one gets to know a real life chameleon. New man, new name, new colour, new religion if need be. And so it was that she did her best shape-changing Mystique impression till she ended with the most prestigious Yoruba crown upon her head; the wife, OLORI of the Ooni of Ife! The Yoruba kingdom was in its feelings! An Edo queen? Is old age finally catching up with Ifa? Well, the gods changed their minds, and the Olori has left the royal household. She still refers to herself as Her Highness, Queen Zaynab-Otiti Obanor – which is…a mish-mash if ever I heard one, but hey look, we’re all queens in our church mind jare, so carry go; nothing do you ma!

Buhari - Merkel - The Other Room

Thinking about it now, it makes sense that Aisha will have a little Wobe in her. Buhari does not look like an easy nut to crack, so I am not surprised in retrospect. But still! Dassau Buhari was in the abroad following Angela Merkel to speak English when it was brought to his attention that Aisha was back home forming political militant. Listen! Buhari was shook! He had to stop for a minute, and then he uttered the immortal words “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” Toh.

donald-trump-corn-funny-lookFrom one president to another now, but look. I still haven’t forgiven America for this travesty. Nothing I didn’t use in begging them. Please don’t let this maize of corn become president. He grabs ’em by the pus*y! His wife is a Stepford wife! He has zero sense and even less tact! Please do not do this; you’ve just come from eight great years. Choose Hillary! Choose Bernie! Heck, choose the Ghostbusters! But did they listen? No. They chose to choose hatred, bigotry and division. In that time, he’s managed to insult every nation, ruin so many of the bridges Obama built in four years, and fire just about everyone he employed to start with! Ugh, this man. And you know what’s funny? They will probably vote him for another four years. Because AmeriKKKa.

Slaves in Libya -10Because what is life without bigotry and hatred, right? 😢 A dark stain (yet again) on the fabric of humanity was the news emerging out of Libya that fellow Africans were being sold as slaves by their brothers. Men left their countries, homes and families in search of a better life. Instead, all they found was hardship and death for the luckier ones. The less fortunate were sold for under $400. This is what the world looked upon and didn’t blink. Because Africans. No fighter jets were launched. No threats of military actions and no sanctions. Oyinbo can be very good at minding their business if they want to, it transpires. Come to think of it, our own governments unlooked too. Probably busy in za ozza room, bless his geriatric heart.

Big Shaq - Man Not HotAmerica gave us Donald Trump, so the Brits gave the world Big Shaq because Mans Not Hot, apparently. Look, I don’t have much to say; I can only imagine this is Gangnam Style again – the world, in desperate need of some relief, decided that funny sounds and…body temperatures were the way to go. I’m not convinced but nobody kukuma asked me, so that’s that. Oh, by the way, Big Shaq went to Lagos…omo, man was hot o! Nobody told him before e off that im jacket!

BIAFRA-PASSPORTI’ve always felt that a bad idea excellently executed still stands a better chance of success than a great idea poorly executed. Nnamdi Kanu, the Jewish saviour of the Igbo separatist proclaimed that 2017 would be Biafra’s year. He decreed that the Indigenous People of Biafra were poised for victory – there were missile heads, weaponry, and vast support. What in fact pertained, was one military sting operation after which the leader of the group has not been since. Even the group cannot decide if the military have killed their esteemed leader, if he’s hiding, or if he’s lost. The year has ended, and we are all still in the zoo together. With no petrol, no light, no money, and most importantly, no Nnamdi Kanu.

Bobrisky and JacuuuurbWhen you’re big, you’re large! Bobrisky came out of the blue and at first, Nigerians were contemptuous and amused in equal measure. Who was this anaemic mosquito? Is it a he, she or shim? What really happened gan gan gan? These were the questions, but our president was missing and awon Daddy wa, Apostle Suleman was up to all sorts, so we didn’t have time to answer Brother Tura.




We should have made time o, wallahi! Because he got more and more daring, this melanin-deficient person. By the time he was done with us, his indeterminate sexual orientation was the least of our problem. He assailed our ears with bad English; he disgraced us internationally by not paying his hair salon debts in the America; Bobrisky charged people to watch him twerk on Snapchat! And y’all ne’er-do-wells paid!! Every celebrity needs security; Bobrisky had Jacuuuurb. No greater cheerleader could be found in all the land, until, that is, we learnt that Bobrisky hadn’t paid six months’ salary, kicking Jacuuuurb out unceremoniously. Boooooo!

Evans the kidnapper -feature

Since we’re mentioning national heroes, we cannot talk about 2017 without talking about Evans. The most humanitarian kidnapper ever liveth, Evans claims never to have touched any of his victims. Issorai. I hear. Caught by the Nigerian Police (who would have awarded themselves a Nobel Peace Prize over the capture if we’d let them), all of a sudden, this brazen thief couldn’t talk. He later found his voice as he complained about violations of his human rights while in custody though. His wife tried her best to speak up in support of her husband, but as she later saw that she cannot come and go and die away on top of man, she kuku kept quiet and stayed in her Ghana. 2018 might show us the rest of the Telemundo that is Evans the kidnapper.

EFCC recovers huge money IkoyiThis one did my heart one kain. You don’t know how close I have been to greatness many times. I have an aunty in that Ikoyi o! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone past that road! That house!! My whole chest was paining me that small aproko and small whistle would have changed the course of my destiny. Fam, EFCC discovered $38million, N23million & £27,000 in an Ikoyi mansion. Not bank o. Not depository o. In the type of place some of you use to do parlour and baff-room. I can’t. Let me just go and sleep. Noooo! Needless to say, in true Naija fashion, the government tried to stiff the whistleblower out of his rightful reward. 😂😂😂We’re useless, wallahi!

marriage-feel-brokenWe thought we’d seen it all in 2016 – after all, it is pretty difficult to top Edible Catering – but apparently, we were just warming up. That’s how Tonto Dikeh turned her life into Zee World. Even when we said no more, she kept right on talking tiiiiill she kukuma eventually turned #BeardGang and dressed up as her husband. That aunty ehn?? Mercy Aigbe Gentry co-starred in the theatrics, as did Ubi Franklin and his madam. Toke Makinwa is like season film – her own no dey finish. We thank God for those who managed to weather the storm!

Sometimes, things fall apart just to come together again. That’s how we were minding our business o, Davido said he wanted to do concert. We said okay, no lele. Next thing, D’banj, Wande Coal, Don Jazzy, D’prince, Dr. Sid and K Switch came together on the stage to deliver a historical epic performance during the ‘30 Billion Concert‘, held at EKO Hotel Convention Centre, Victoria Island, Lagos on Wednesday; December 27, 2017. Oh, are you shocked? Wait na! Davido and Wizkid sang together on stage!! This is after children from the same mother disowned themselves over the Davido/Wizkid beef. Same way people lose their minds over politicians who later sit and share our loot together in luxury yachts and foreign homes.

Ebuka agbadaBut nothing, NOTHING united us like the BAAD wedding. And if Adesua and Banky W’s wedding was a cake, then Ebuka’s agbada was the softest, moistest red velvet of them all. If the wedding were jollof, then the agbada was a Yoruba party’s wood-smoked jollof rice. That agbada was the single meat in a BAAD plate of eba and okra soup = worth waiting for. Listen, we all swooned. Every tailor in the land lost his/her God-given mind, we talked about NOTHING ELSE for 48 hours. Baba agbada. Even when the puritans were discussing whether it was indeed agbada, we were still talking about it! Life-giving something!

feminism-hands-and-symbol-by-Prazis-Images-via-ShutterstockLol, Nigerians ehn?! We only hear go o, we no dey hear come. Chimamanda Adichie would have thought she started something, but she couldn’t have imagined how Nigerians would have taken it. Listen!!! Nigerian women are growing bigger balls than their male counterparts!

Everyday, there are hot debates on social media, some measured and sensible; others just plain bonkers. There are women who get it, who totally get it. Then there are others who champion women inflicting violence on men as feminism. It’s a war zone, fam. There is emancipation, there are jobs, and names on bank accounts. Some men were waiting for us at the junction of liberation; others had to be dragged kicking and screaming, but slowly, sense is starting to prevail.

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So there you have it! Here’s welcoming 2018 – as long as we’re Nigerians, there will always be shenanigans!

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