This afternoon, Pastor’s wife arrived home unexpectedly from an outreach in upcountry to find the large, light-skinned thighs of Landlord’s wife around her husband’s waist, pelvises grinding together in forbidden passion, and the rotating fan in the room doing nothing to cool their high body temperatures.
She let out a scream of horror and disbelief, then Landlord’s wife shot out of the house while trying to cover her big, naked breasts with one hand and her hairy crotch with the other. Pastor’s wife ran after her, throwing her (Landlord’s wife) clothes and shoes at her, calling her a fat, ugly whore with a hideous weave and a vagina that itches for men that aren’t hers. Pastor came out with a floral bed sheet tied around his waist, a corner of the sheet sweeping the floor, and tried to calm his angry wife down.
“Don’t touch me!” she would scream then push him away with all her might.
Landlord’s wife tried hiding behind a pillar in the verandah, and quickly wore her clothes while crying that she was very sorry.
“So this is what you do when I am busy spreading the word of God?” Pastor’s wife asked Pastor.
“Please, let’s go inside and talk,” Pastor pleaded, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.
People in the plot had turned down the volumes of their radios and TVs. You could feel eyes peeping from the windows and ears pinned against doors. Some of us went outside to see what was happening so that we could help them by posting about it on Facebook.
“This is just a misunderstanding,” Pastor told her. “She seduced me, this Jezebel!”
Upon hearing that, Landlord’s wife quickly approached them while buttoning up her blouse.
“Seduced you?” she asked Pastor angrily.
“I rebuke the spirit of Jezebel, in the name of Jesus!” Pastor rebuked, while tying the bed sheet around his waist tighter.
“We have been lovers for over 3 months and you are calling me Jezebel?”
“The devil is a liar!”
“And now you are calling me the devil?”
“I am ashamed to be your wife!” Pastor’s wife screamed, looking at her husband murderously.
Then, in a strange twist of events, the holy spirit suddenly descended upon Pastor and he started praying and talking in tongues, waving a fist in the air with his eyes closed, and pacing back and forth. We could all almost feel the presence of God amidst us. We could all almost feel the power of God working miracles in our lives; healing terminal diseases and giving us the jobs and promotions we had been looking for. We all almost broke into a slow, worship song, and sing it with arms raised up and hands clutching on our chests, our faces looking up to the heavens and tears gushing out of our closed eyes. We could all feel ourselves reconnecting with God.
But his wife slapped the holy spirit out of him and told him that he should find a place to sleep tonight. Then she went inside the house and locked the door, leaving Pastor, Landlord’s wife and the rest of us out there to sort ourselves out. Pastor banged on the door asking to be let in, or at least to be given some clothes to wear, but his wife had already slipped into a coma and could therefore not hear a thing.
“You will also not sleep in my house tonight!”
It was Landlord’s angry voice. He was standing on his balcony, looking down at the terrified lovers. He then got inside his house, locked the door and slipped into a coma as well, because he couldn’t hear his wife asking him to at least give her her phone.
After unsuccessfully getting neither offended spouse to open the door, Pastor and Landlord’s wife left together. They hopped on a boda boda, Pastor still donning a bed sheet, and left for that place where people go when told that they will not sleep their houses that night.
Hash tag: tales from my plot.