Ask Victor Ibeh: he kept his love child a secret now he’s threatening to leave me if I don’t accept him!

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Viva QuestionHello Victor, please I need your help. I am losing my mind. I’m a young graduate of 25 years. I have been dating a guy for two years now and we have planned to get married this year. He is supposed to come see my parents in a couple of months’ time. My problem is that he recently told me that he has a 7 year old child. The painful part is not that he told me, but he even threatened to break up if I’m not willing to accept the child. This is a man I have put my emotions in his hands, waking up to threaten me with his dishonesty. Please guide me with the right counsel.

 

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Viva AnswerI would say that this situation is not completely hopeless. You are lucky that this didn’t happen after you have formally joined yourself to him in matrimony. You would have been forced to either cope with living with the child in order to avoid the stigma of divorce, or you would have just experienced an early divorce.

At this stage, you still have two options. You shouldn’t exhaust yourself trying to reprimand him for hiding such pivotal information from you. This is because you won’t gain anything from it. It would only hurt you more. Instead of dwelling on his dishonesty, it would be wiser to take action.

You can decide to walk out of that relationship, not because you hate children, but because of the surprise he pulled on you. As a man in our clime, it is easier for him to disclose that he has a child than for a woman to do same, yet women easily disclose that they have children, and make it a condition for any relationship they must get into. For two years and he didn’t tell you about it.

The other reason you might want to leave is that he is being very entitled, and this is a pointer to who he would be in the marriage. He is meant to be remorseful, not arrogantly entitled with all the attendant threats. It’s a shame that when he should be apologising for his dishonesty, he is busy giving you ultimatums. It also shows, to an extent, how much value he places on you.

The second option is to forgive him for his indiscretion and accept the child as yours, regardless of the fact that he misbehaved. This also is strictly your decision to make, depending on how much you are willing to overlook his fault. It could be you in that same situation. I know it came as a shock but you can learn to accept it. A child is no crime.

Do you agree with Victor? Comments below please!
Next week on the Victor Ibeh Desk - Transparent

Hello Victor, I am at a crossroads, right now. I am an independent lady of 36. I have a good job, car and a house of my own. I’ve even got some investments here and there. I have been under immense pressure from my family to get married. I found out that most guys find it difficult getting along with me. They see me as a threat to their personality. So it has been difficult getting a serious fiance.

About a year ago, I met a guy on Facebook and we got talking. He is 7 years younger but I didn’t see it as a problem, since he was willing to accept the age difference in good faith. He has a job, though not as good as mine, but he pays his bills. Since we started dating I have been giving him money occasionally as a way of demonstrating my love to him. Two nights ago, he called and requested that we should have a joint account. I told him that it was sudden. I pleaded with him to wait till after wedding before we do that.

When I said that, he got angry and was saying that I don’t love him. He said that if I loved him, I wouldn’t hesitate to have a joint account with him, since we are getting married. Since that night he has not been taking my calls. I am really confused. I have already told my parents that I have a fiance and we would be coming to meet them soon. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose him, but I’m also scared. What if he is trying to defraud me? Please help me out.

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15 COMMENTS

  1. Is it a crime 2 help grow sum1 else child.dats why sum people mal treat their house help bcus they dnt hav acomodatin hrt 2 care.selfish.it mst b urs b4 u take him as ur own.forfeit ur marriage 4 stupid reason.tel ur guy am ready,let him cum and marry me.

  2. Y shud he kip dat kind of information from her for 2yrs. Is very okay for a guy to hide such shey,but if is a girl hell would let loose nd cus marriage is involved she shud jxt go ahead. This guy neva tut abt her feeling,this is very wrong. For me I fink u shud chill small,this might not only b the tin he’s hiding. Some guys tink dy are doing a favour marrying a lady.

  3. I don’t thinking taking k of de child is her problem . Her reason may be that for two good years he should’nt hide such a secret frm her. A lady u ar ready to marry its not right at all if u check all, he can be an armrubber.

  4. 2 marry him with a child is not d problem but love.are u sure he really loves u.if he does,how can he keep such secret nd even threatened u 4 dat mata.op he is not d guy dat claim 2 b saint.

  5. My dear marry him if you truly love him,that he has a child outside is never a serious issue,is even better he informed you before the marriage,though he would have announced it to you earlier.you never can tell,that child might turn out to be a huge blessings to you.thank you

  6. I suggest she let’s him know she doesn’t have an issue with the child and be willing to take the child into their hone so that he does not use the child as excuse to continue with the mother

    But she should let him know that she is not comfortable with his ultimatum.

    And see his response. If he continues with his entitlement mentality or ‘are u not also a sinner’ attitude. She should chatter hanky well well during her wedding as she go cry tire for the marriage

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