Dear Victor: my husband’s sexual dysfunction is affecting our marriage!

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dissatisfied wife - sexual dysfunction - black couple

Viva QuestionGood evening sir, I am on the verge of a divorce. As I’m writing to you I’m fed up with my marriage of 6 months. After our marriage, I discovered that my husband is suffering from an ejaculation problem. He does not ejaculate during sex. He would pound me for close to an hour without ejaculating. We are both Christians and we never got intimate sexually before our marriage.

Apart from the fact that it is boring having this kind of sexual experience, my MIL has been acting funny towards me. Asking strange questions about my not being pregnant. My husband didn’t tell his family what is happening. They are all looking at me as a sterile woman. He met a doctor who prescribed some drugs. But there has not been any improvement. Instead, whenever he wakes up, I always see semen on his underwear.

I am frustrated. Especially because his people are looking at me with suspicion. I don’t think I can handle this. I’m reaching out to you because I believe you can guide me on the next step to take.

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Viva Answer

It is not in my place to tell you what to do but I would make a few suggestions.

You can choose to divorce him as it is. You are entitled to it. It isn’t just that the sex is faulty but the fact that it is affecting your ability to bear children. Then the persecution that the family would unleash on you. They would think you are responsible for the childlessness of the marriage, since he is being deceptively silent about it.

However, this may not be the best option. One of your marriage vows is that you would be with him in ill health. This here, is a test of that vow you have made. You owe him the duty of sticking around through his difficult times. If you must divorce him, you must have reached a logical conclusion that nothing can done for him medically.

You can decide to stick around and honour your vow. This is you second option though, this should not expose you to ridicule or any form of humiliation. Which means if you choose to stay around until his problem is solved, he is under an obligation to let his folks know that he has a problem. Don’t forget that women are usually at the receiving end in our clime, especially on issues that have to do with marriage. People around here seem not to know that infertility isn’t gender specific. So, whenever a couple is unable to bear children, the woman is usually the probable suspect.

You cannot suffer on both sides. It is enough that you are putting up with this challenge. You shouldn’t receive the blame for it. He has to tell his folks about his problem or you can tell them yourself. They have to know about it.

There is a physical and psychological aspect to his problem. He should see a psychologist as well as another doctor. He is not the only one with this problem, but he should be honest about it and appreciate your support for him.

Finally, the truth that needs be told is that you could have avoided this if both of you paid attention to your sexual health before marriage. Even if you didn’t want to have sex based on your religious beliefs, you could have even tried to see his erection and asked him to masturbate on his own and see if he ejaculates. There is nothing embarrassing about it.

Sex is an important aspect of matrimony. Nobody should be blackmailed into enduring a very crappy sexual life. You deserve to know how your partner functions sexually before handing your life and destiny to him/her, to avoid stories. I guess it is already late for that now. All that is open to you now, is damage control. I hope you handle it wisely.

Do you agree with Victor? Comments below please!

Next week on the Victor Ibeh Desk - Transparent

Good morning Victor, I need your counsel on a very serious issue. I am a divorced single mother of one. I have been divorced for 7 years and my child is 9.

My ex is always talking with my child on the phone and they have met twice since our divorce. The problem is that he has never supported her upkeep in any way. His only usefulness to her is to be calling her all the time and pretending to be an amazing father. I have been the one struggling to take care of her. I live with my mother, so he calls through my mother’s phone.

My daughter is always talking about him with so much excitement without knowing that he has not cared for her in anyway. This is not because he can’t afford it. He is very wealthy but he doesn’t assist in anyway.

I am not complaining but sometimes I just want to just scream and warn her to stop talking to him. I don’t know if that is the right thing to do. It is emotionally draining for me, knowing that he is building a relationship with her on the basis of falsehood.

Please note that we were customarily married so we just returned his bride price and other stuff. Please guide me on what to do.

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