Marrying an unbeliever: I love my man but we’re unequally yoked [Victor Ibeh’s Desk]

Viva QuestionGood morning, I’m a huge fan. Thank you for all the wisdom you spill on your timeline. I’m a young christian lady. I was raised to think marrying a Christian makes your marriage perfect but after dating a spirikoko Christian and seeing a lot of things, I don’t strongly believe in this anymore. They paint atheists or people of other religions bad “because they don’t fear God” and that this lack of fear will make them capable of anything. I’ve dated rigid Christians, flexible Christians and on the way to dating an atheist. And I can tell that it’s not only Christians who have morals. This guy in question shares a lot of values with me despite being atheist. He wants a serious relationship with me but I’ve been hesitant for some reasons:
  1. The Bible passage that says don’t be unequally yoked. But I’ve questioned this several times. It didn’t specifically refer to marriage or did it? Was this an advice or an instruction? Is it a sin to marry someone who isn’t a Christian? I talked to him about it, to him it’s not a problem. He doesn’t mind if I take the kids to church and he said he can come along some times. But who knows if this will change later?
  2. I feel the mixed belief might be confusing for the kids and be a huge burden for them. I’ve gone through a faith crisis recently and as an adult it was hard. I almost fell into depression. What about kids?
  3. He made a statement yesterday after I asked him what we will tell the kids when they asked why he doesn’t go to church. He said we will tell them I believe in God and that he doesn’t like the god.
    Oga Victor, he wrote God with a small g. I felt offended, but am I overreacting? He also said he doesn’t like God, now I’m thinking if he’s really atheist or anti-theist. How can my partner not like God who I adore so much? ???

I’ve been doing a lot of research and some people in this situation said they feel empty because they can’t share this special part of their life(Christianity) with their partners.
My parents will be mad if I marry an atheist but I can handle that.
I know you can’t decide for me, eventually I will be the one to make the final decision but I will like to hear your opinion on this issue as you are someone I look up to. Thank you!

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Viva Answer

The first question you need to answer is: what do I seek in marriage?
Marriage means different things to different people. When you understand the meaning of marriage then you would know the purpose of it. You cannot make a healthy choice for a life partner without having an answer to these questions.
On that premise, religious beliefs is just one out of the many issues that should be taken into consideration when choosing a life partner. Primarily, a healthy marriage thrives on mutual commitment. There must be a willingness on the part of each partner to contribute towards the success of the marriage; and this starts from each person striving to treat the other well.Marriage does not work itself out. People work marriages out. And a successful marriage is not exclusively for people who believe in God. God does not make marriages work. People do.

If God was responsible for the success of marriages, certain people we know wouldn’t have had issues of divorce.

Pray from now till eternity, if you don’t contribute your quota of commitment to your marriage, it won’t work. Your partner is married to you, not God.

Having said that, what you should seek in a partner is friendship and partnership. Religion does not make people good people. A good person is a good person irrespective of their religious or non beliefs.

1. The scripture you quoted does not dwell strictly on marriage. It addresses agreement. The importance of having one mind with anybody you are working/walking with. If that is your fear, I will have you know that there are a lot of unbelieving Christians in the church today. So many people go to church but they don’t believe in God. The unbelievers that the bible was addressing were people who were living in sin (that is doing things that bring pains and sorrow to their fellow humans). Christians were meant to show the right example through love. The problem we have about is that most Christians just bear the tag but their attitudes are miles away from what a true Christian represents. A person who shares the same values with you but do not believe in God is not unequally yoked. Would you rather have a man that believes in God but does not share the same values with you? You know exactly what you need in a man. If he is your friend and partner, you are free to marry him and it is no sin. Even Paul mentioned it that if you marry an unbelieving partner who is willing to dwell with you, peaceably, you shouldn’t divorce them.

An atheist who considers you his equal partner and a Christian man who sees you as a slave who do you think would make a better husband? I would ask you to pay attention to the unity of values that exist between both of you. Being a Christian man, is not proof of marriageability. Since he agrees that you can go to church with the kids and even promised to join you sometimes, that is proof that he is really tolerant. Most atheist I know are people who hold themselves to high moral standards.

2. As for the children, they would naturally learn what you teach them in church. However, always remember that when they become adults they would choose what they want to believe. Most atheists were once church children.

3. He is within his rights to say he doesn’t like God. Have you met God? What you know about God was what you were told. Let me be honest with you. If you go through the Old Testament and read about God with an open mind, you will be tempted to hate him. He was very wicked and heartless. Did you see how he was killing people without blinking? Now tell me if you read all that about your uncle or somebody you know physically, would you still love that person? So you need to cut atheists some slack when they tell you that they dislike God. The stories of the bible, especially in the Old Testament, does not help the reputation of God. I have remained a Christian because of the character of Jesus Christ, if I had read only the Old Testament, it would have been difficult for me to believe in that God. But then we know that the letter killeth but the spirit gives life.

Finally, you can still marry a Christian and be empty. Just marry your friend. Forget religious beliefs. If you are doing it right as a believer, your atheist husband would one day decide to join you. You are the light he should see. Don’t make an unwise decision because you feel that a Christian brother would make a good husband. You would harm yourself. Religious beliefs don’t make marriages work. Sensible people make marriage work though consistent acts of commitment.

Do you agree with Victor? What would you have advised?

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  1. Wisdom is profitable to direct. If u are truely a believer, ask the holy spirit for direction and i believe he will not mislead u. If now dat u have not married him, u have all these questions, then my sister, think and make sure u hear from God before u jump into something that if God is not in support, myt make u unhappy, keep u in bondage for d rest of ur life, and affect ur children negatively. I know God will not come down and make any marriage work. The people involved are responsible for that but i have seen too many cases of christian ladies who married unbelievers in the name of Love dat are either divorced or looking for a way out. Some even claim dat the man promised to let them and the children go to church but all changed after 2 or 3 children. Most of them are living in bitterness and frustration now. That will not be your portion but u jst have to be sure of what u are doing and be sure God is in support. Remember marriage is a lifetime issue. Look before u leap. Dont just close your eye and assume it is small when in reality it is bigger than u can handle. Pls open your eye and weigh it. If u cant handle it, walk away before u sentence your self to a lifetime of torment. I wish u the best.

  2. What’s wrong can never be right NEVER especially if it has being clearly stated like my chemistry teacher would say wrong titration, wrong titre value so follow the procedure WELL to get the right titre value CHRIST has stated clearly do not be YOKED with an unbeliever so why are analysing this

  3. merely looking at what you wrote it’s clear you are blinded by love and i will advise you raise the standard of God against satans standard in your life before you dive into a river that has no end,look before you leap and ask for God’s direction before you step on the path of no return,marriage isn’t a joking issue,wish you goodluck.

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