I had a discussion with a friend with whom I was sharing some attitudes we women have that are not profitable. You know how we rather complain about issues rather than find solutions? Or how we rather tell everyone else our challenges than the one who caused it in the first place?
I don’t know about you but I get depressed listening to only problems and sob stories, and unfortunately, in the presence of two or more Nigerian women, that is all you hear.
Naturally, women like to vent verbally when they are upset. When something is hurting me badly, I whine about it but I don’t stay there, that’s my point.
As a matter of fact, we come in groups competing somehow with our tales of woes, Lol. The worst part is that, six months later, not only are we complaining about the same thing, we have more to add.
There was this lady I knew and we had this convo:
Her: ” My husband did this, he didn’t do that”
Me: “Have you spoken to him about it? Okay, what are you doing about this particular situation?”
Her: “For what na? Doesn’t he know….. In fact, I’m leaving everything to God”
She got tired of me so the next person who comes around her, she starts again. That’s one example and it’s not limited to marriages.
I’m a hyper proactive person so I’m very impatient with lazy people: mentally or physically. There was a time I waited for someone, anyone, to genuinely believe in me but it never came, so I believed in myself.
I don’t believe in knight in shining armor stories, not every one of use will have a rescuer. When you don’t, what do you do? Simple, rescue yourself.
I once met a girl who was going through severe challenges and who cried a lot. I empathized with her but I asked her one day how her constant tears was going to solve her problems? I told her, “Look, you will cry and remain where you are and still cry some more if you don’t rise to the occasion.” I may have sounded hard but she later got to know I had gone through something similar and even more.
I asked her what she could do and she said “hair”. I sent her on an errand to check for some things, helped her plan a small business to get by and I sent her the little money I had. She was less than 18years.
She built a small shed opposite her school gate and started what she could. Let’s just say, one day she called me, she had employed someone. She couldn’t even keep up with customers. She had got a shop, now sells human hair etc. Very heart warming progress report. Most importantly, she sounded stronger and more purposeful. Here was a girl who couldn’t easily be broken anymore, it was then I knew my work was done.
I don’t believe in complaints. I practice what I preach, we all need help here and there but I don’t believe in waiting till heaven sends down an angel. I believe in creating my own paradise, and if I get an Angelic help on my path, we thank God. Funny enough, the wonderful helpers I’ve met in life were while I was buy not when I was waiting. No one wants to identify with stagnancy.
Being a woman is no excuse to be weak, dependent or stay at the mercy of others. There’s so much power within you to effect change around you, forget waiting for someone to rescue you. That’s not only defeatist, it’d highly unproductive and will leave you with more scars than you can imagine.
I lost almost one full year due to a strange illness which turned my skin coal back in school. As a result, I had to take courses with those in lower levels. A friend asked how I managed to do that especially as it was a pretty small department. My reply, I know what I want and what I need to do so to hell with shame, what’s done is done. At that time, I was also passing through two very traumatic experiences but I knew I had to finish somehow, anyhow. When I gave my dad my final result, he was dumbstruck because he didn’t expect it at all and was sure it would be a third class matter after the extra years.
Yesterday I thought about my life and I shook my head. Not yet clocked 30 but the shit I’ve had to deal with, the crap I’ve had to forgive, the depths I’ve had to pick myself up from. I believe only God can quantify it. Yet when the only way is up, you have no choice than to go up. Staying down has never been an option for me. I may not have vanquished all my demons but one thing I can never be accused of is remaining where I am or waiting for Prince Charming or Mother Theresa to pick me up.
If that’s your own reality, good for you. But then, what’s up with the rest of us? F**k shame, people’s opinions or their expectations, do what you have to do because what matters is the final result.
I once wanted to help a friend who dropped out of school to have a child but she wasn’t ready so I let her be because I wasn’t designed to pamper people. A guy I advised to drop it all and go back to school despite his age, and he should continue selling his recharge cards came to look for me in my hostel one time to say thank you, he was so happy and I was so embarrassed. However, that’s what keeps me going. Life only ends when you say it should and it should end on your own terms.
Pick yourself up no matter the price.
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