“Satan Is Using ASUU Against Me” – JAMB Registrar Professor Oloyede Cries Out After Being Accused Of Swallowing Over N2 Billion Naira


Wait, do you think if we get rid of religion, we can get rid of Satan too? Because he works OVERTIME in Nigeria and he needs to retire – permanently. We steal, lie, cheat, rape, and only when we are caught do we blame it on the devil. Satan, if he exists, sits in hell with his digestive biscuits and air conditioning and he will hear people calling his name upandan. “Na devil work o! Na devil make me do am!” and he is so confused. He was nowhere near the scene of the crime!

Satan - Bit Harsh meme
Satan looking at all the things he’s been blamed for and not feeling very happy about it

In today’s episode of Nigerian Authorities Not Taking Responsibility For Their Criminal Acts, we have JAMB registrar Professor Ishaq Oloyede. The embattled prof has been accused of miraculously making N2billion disappear into the wind. But rather than offer a plausible explanation as to the missing funds or – glory! – actually offer a transparent paper trail and audit of the board’s expenses, Professor Oloyede pleads evil spirits at work.

He brands all his accusers liars and threatens to sue them. This is to be expected. He has yet to file a hangnail yet, never mind a lawsuit, but we live in hope. He releases a response to the allegations:

“The first count is one wouldn’t bite a dog simply because a dog has bitten one.

“The second is that as the issue was claimed to have been reported to the EFCC, which has the means to take the right course of action after establishing the prima facie of the case brought before it.

“The third is the need to thwart the satanic objective of distracting me from a national assignment which they protested but failed.”

Please can anyone translate this waffle? The only relevant line is the one concerning EFCC and that is all a professional, civilised response should say: “The necessary bodies responsible are looking into this matter and we will comply fully with their investigation”.

Abi e pass so? Weyin bring satanic and rabid dogs? Who so rude? Why should a professor speak in this manner?


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