LOL! Ten Reasons I Fear Marriage and Fatherhood

1. Dresses and Shoes.

Me: “Baby, what about the red dress I got you some months back? Could you please wear it for me to the gala? I love how it looks on you.”

Her: Mister man, look at this.
*points at swollen tummy*
“THIS is what YOU did to me. You have ensured I cannot wear so many clothes and shoes anymore because you were busy forming Messi and Ronaldo. Well, you have scored. So shut up and allow me wear what I can wear. Understood?”

Me: “Yes ma. The blue one is fine. It really brings out the menace in your eyes.”

Her: “What was that?”

Me: “I said you look like you have lovely stars in your eyes.”

2. Inability To Steal Meat and Hide.

Her: “Who took two pieces of meat from that pot, Onuora?”
Me: *points at baby I’m carrying*
Her: “You’re an idiot.”

3. Daddy Duties

Kids: “Daddy! Daddy! We want to watch cartoons! Come and watch with us!”
Me: “Daddy is busy right now, dear. Go and watch with your sister.”
One Betrayer of A Child: “Mummy! Daddy doesn’t want to watch cartoons with us!”
Evil Godzilla Mummy Enters: “Daddy is going to watch with you. Won’t you, Daddy?”
Me: *recognizing “the look” and swallowing spit*
“Yes, let’s go and watch cartoons!”

4. Shopping

Her: “Baby here’s the shopping list.”
Me: “OK. See you soon.”
*kisses wife and heads for the door*
Her: “Oh don’t forget xyz.”
Me: “OK.”
Her: “Oh and abc.”
Me: “Riiiiight.”
Her: “Then efg.”
Me: *Sigh* “Do you want to redo this list?”
Her: “No, I’m good.”
Me: “OK.”
*walking away*
Her: “Add hij to the list.”

5. Fights I’ll Never Win

Her: “You know what? I’m so mad at you right now, I don’t even want to talk to you. Just give me space.”
Me: “But baby-”
Her: “Onuora Onianwa, just go. I have nothing to say to you.”
Me: *Sighing* OK.
Her: “And one more thing…”

6. Outings

Her: “Baby let’s go out and have some fun.”
Me: “I’m tired, love. Can we do that tomorrow maybe?”
Her: “I said let us go out and have some fun.”
Me: *Seeing “the look”, teleports into car, fully dressed* “Madam where are you now? Shey I’ve been telling you let’s go out since morning?”

7. Buying Stuff for Myself

Her: “So you’re buying the blue one, right?”
Me: “No. Black.”
Cashier: “Let me get a bag for that, sir.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Her: “So you’re buying the blue one, right?”
Me: “No. I already picked black.”
*Cashier returns with bag and starts to wrap gift*
Her: “So you’re buying the blue one right?”
*Cashier pauses*
Me: “Nope. Still black.”
Her: “OK. No wahala. I’ll wait for you in the car. Hurry up so we won’t be late.”
*cashier looks pleadingly at me as she walks away and clears his throat. His concern for my safety and health is quite evident*
Me: “Leave the black and wrap the blue, please.”
Cashier: “Good choice sir. Blue is such an excellent colour for living men.”

8. Son of Destiny

Son: “Dad, can I borrow the car?”
Me: “What did your mother say?”
Son: “She said no.”
Me: “Son, doth ye love me more than this car?”

9. Loss of Rights.

*on the phone*
Me: “Sure I’ll be there! What time is it holdi-”
*sees wife frowning with folded arms*
Me: “I just remembered I’m going to be sick by that time. I can’t make it anymore.”

10. Slavery.

Her: “Baby scratch my back.”
Me: *grumbling*
Her: “You say?”
Me: “Iru ni izu di very sweet. Thank you dear wife, for the privilege of scratching your back .”