Victor Ibeh’s Desk: the child I thought was my girlfriend’s nephew is her SON!

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black-Mother-and-her-child

Viva QuestionI have been dating this lady for about 13 months. Every time I come to her house I see a little boy in her house that calls her Aunty. She told me he is her nephew. Her parents and siblings have been playing along all the while I visited. Last week, her very close friend requested to see me. I met with her in an eatery and she disclosed to me that my supposed fiancée is the mother of that boy. Victor, I was distraught. I called her and she confessed that he is indeed her son. She told me that she was scared of losing me and so she decided to lie about it. I am confused at this point. I love her so much but I’m worried because I don’t know other things she has lied to me about. How can I feel safe with her as a wife if she could connive with her family to lie to me? Please help me. I need counsel!

Vector page decor text divider separatorViva AnswerI agree that she lied to you and probably gave you a false sense of security. However, I want you to know that sometimes you have to focus on the motive behind an action. Not all wrong actions are motivated by a wrong motive. The best of intentions can lead to harm. This is about your personal life and you possess the prerogative of pardon. Her offence is not one that cannot be pardoned. If you look into her action, you would see that she didn’t do it to harm you. She lied out of fear.

What fear? There is a stigma attached to single mothers in our society. Unlike some other ladies, she didn’t abandon her son. She is actively involved in his life. Some ladies would abandon their children totally in their bid to get a man. But in this case she didn’t. She was only worried that you may not accept her and her son. Since she has parents who can take care of him, she was willing to leave him totally in their care. What matters most was to have a good upbringing and certainly his grandparents could guarantee him that.

When you consider the shame attached to single mothers in our society, you would understand the predicament of this lady. She loves you, no doubt. People can go any length to keep a person they love. In what way did her lie cause you harm? None actually. It is a fear motivated lie, not fraud motivated. Considering this, it won’t be difficult to pardon her if you really love her that much.

If I were in your shoes, I won’t judge her with this because I would understand where she is coming from and what has motivated her to lie to me. If you love her despite this and still want to go ahead with her, I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Give her the opportunity to tell you everything she must have hidden out of fear. She would love you dearly for empathising with her.

Remember this is not a rule. I am giving you this counsel because you love her, even if you decide to let her go because of this, you will end up being unhappy. Your heart lies with her, and when love is present, offences are easily forgiven. You have nothing to fear about her. Give her a chance.

Do you agree with Victor? What would you have advised?

Next week on the Victor Ibeh Desk - Transparent

Good evening, Victor
I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 months. I have anger issues and not very patient, but I seem to attract only people that worsen it for me and they are always broke too. My last relationship was a long distance one; our communication being solely on WhatsApp. He hardly called because he said he had no money for airtime and I told myself I wouldn’t spend my money again on a guy.
Every time we quarrel, he will just block me on WhatsApp. In a space of three months, he had blocked me four times. After the last time he blocked me, I told him I can’t continue like this, but he kept apologising. I accepted to carry on because I knew I was mostly the cause of our quarrel and I nag a lot when I’m angry but I felt no love for him. I carried on for two weeks but couldn’t endure anymore (impatience), and called it off.
He says he felt bad for me because he is the best guy for me and no one will be able to accommodate me. I felt bad and almost believed him because he helped to build me up spiritually and he has so much confidence in himself and his future. He says he always prays for me and will help me achieve my dreams but he is still living in his parents house at 36!
He does nothing now; he just bakes cakes for people occasionally and wants to be a minister, but I’m scared because I don’t know whether to trust or believe him. This has been my fear all along. Our major fights come up when I try to suggest to him to get something doing that can bring a steady income. Sorry for the long story, but I’m posting with a heavy heart because I don’t know how to solve my issues. I am tired of this constant breaking up. Maybe I should take a break? Maybe I should just work on myself first, what do you think? I am 25, lives with my parents cause I did a bad investment that brought me to square one.
Victor Ibeh Desk

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33 COMMENTS

  1. My dear if u rili luv her u Wil Nt listen to outside talk beside her frnd is simply been jealous. Guy person wen don born dem no dey marry am abeg carry go jor make her frnd been ashamed k

  2. Why would she lie about her son, she suppose to be proud of that boy any man that doesn’t like it should fuck off. After all they said a bird at hand worths more than millions in the bush. As for that her aproco friend, bad friend, enemy of progress, blocking storm . Na so someone else too will use her reggae spoil her blues, amibo!

  3. MY DEAR IF U TRUELLY LOVE HER THAT WILL NOT STOP U, TO BE HONEST SHE SUPPOSE TELL U DI TRUTH BUT DI DEED HAS BEEN DONE 4GIVE HER AND GO 4 UR LOVE MAK HER KNW DAT U STILL LOVE HER SON I BELT U SHE WILL LOVE U MORE KNWING THAT U LOV HER SON THAT IS THE JOY OF EVERY WOMAN.SO GO GO AND GET UR LOVE. TNKS

  4. Such is not any easy thing to disclose especially when a woman isn’t yet sure of where the relationship is heading. That she hadn’t told you didn’t mean that she never wanted to. She just had to grow more balls and confidence. She has an evidence of her pregnancy. What of her girlfriend who may have aborted hers. That her girlfriend is such as snitch.

  5. Put that her friend to shame, confront her, let her know her friend told you, even if you finally break up. Help her get rid of that evil friend. The friend would have rather encouraged her to tell you the truth rather than coming to tell you. Two. If you can forgive her, please do and warn her never to tell lies again.

  6. She wanted to be sure of your relationship with her before telling you bcoz if she tells you at d earlier stage u will leave her. As for d girlfriend that told you, she wants you to leave your woman n follow her. The girl that had a child is far better than the one throwing her own in the gutter or is she not playing ball.

  7. She did not do well by hiding the truth from you but probably she was afraid of losing you that was why she hid the truth. Confront her and ask her why did hid the truth.She may have a genuine reason.

  8. Bad fellow what concerns her if she is mother people with evil voice my dear pls don’t let her stupid and jealous friend of hers change your mind she wants you to turn to her and marry which is not possible

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