I can’t deal with the UK at the moment; I really can’t. Is it that someone can’t ask you people to do anything? Somebody can’t even send you small message? I had to go to Lagos for a couple weeks (Hey, my peoples! I’m here, the rain is much, the ewa Aganyin is sublime, and my grandmother was buried most fantastically, thank you for asking!). All I asked was that you didn’t break anything while I was gone. You may have an extra sweet when you come back from school, but that’s about it. Politics, especially UK politics, is such a slothful creature most of the time that I really dared to hope that everything would more or less be in place by the time I returned from my trip.
Instead, what happens?? What happens, I ask you?? UK only went ahead and opted out of the EU! Wait, what? Lemme tell you one mo’ ‘gain – opted out of an entire union, body, confederation…wants to get all supreme and sovereign and shit. Perhaps I’m not explaining this very well – we picked an option popular wit Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump. We turned our backs on a body of countries because we think we have fish and chips and small strength in the pound now.
Look at the maelstrom of madness that has happened in one short week:
- We agreed with Nigel Farage.
- And with BoJo.
- The good news is that David Cameron will resign by October, apparently.
- And now, let’s proceed with the regular programming of bad news: I thought I disliked David Cameron until I was made to understand that Boris Johnson might become the new prime minister.
- Once again, Nigel Farage said we should do a thing, and the majority of the English population who voted said “Yeah, we agree with you, Nigel Farage. That’s exactly what we should do!”
- The pound went into free fall – fell to the lowest it had been since 1985.
- George Osborne, chancellor of the exchequer said the UK was in a position of strength.
- But the UK credit rating got slashed from AAA to AA with a forecast of further reductions.
- Oooohhh, it’s been a cacophony of firings and resignations! Hilary Benn has been sacked and a dozen members of the Labour Party’s shadow have resigned over a full-on British civil war in the Labour camp.
- Jeremy Corbyn is being mindbogglingly obstinate as he seems to have been possessed by the spirit of a Naija politician – do or die in a political position.
- Oh, the EU won’t speak to us anymore. The European Union will not hold informal talks with the UK until it triggers Article 50 to leave, Germany, France and Italy have insisted
- Racism, racial tension, and simmering hatred resentment have all bubbled to the surface in a very short period.
- And then, because after all, what’s a shit cake without a nice icing of defeat and humiliation, England lost to Iceland in Euro 2016. Iceland, a team that I wasn’t even aware had a football in the entire country. We didn’t even make it to the quarter-finals. No end to the uselessness.
All of this, and it’s just Monday. Fix up, England.
We’re going to need a super helpline like the one set up for when Take That broke up in 1996 only, you know…more boring. Cos politics and nonsense.
Also, Nigel Farage is a impossible prick.
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