MTN: I no do again! Don’t beg me, don’t bribe me; I must port TODAY!

Dear MTN,
I really don’t care if your offices are open Saturday and Sunday. Your line, connection and service are useless to me. Yours is unarguably the most useless network I’ve ever used. From poor connection, to high tariffs from way back, to your recurrent stylish thieving ways of getting money, syphoning it from phones when nothing was done with the phone, and not returning it.

I no need anything from you to hep me or make me feel better, if no be de car wey Don Jazzy follow pessin fight for. Eef na dat one, ko si wahala. Bring am come, make I manage am. Just dikwa sure, unu bu te de motor ne fife. Because why? By de end of today, I dey port go anoda network. Una nonsense don belleful me.

The useless 2000, 5000 and 10000 Naira worth of air time you want to give me, that lasts one week, is it not on your same ridunculous network it will be spent?

Your network that people text me with and vice versa and e never arrive since November last year. Of what use are you people to me?

Abi na de one wey pessin go call me soteeeeeey, dem go hia say my line no dey exist? Or I go load phone with cledit of wan thasand nayira den to call, only for one bush woman wey dey form fune to teh me say I no geh enuf cledit. Shuu? Na heaven I dey call wey dat kain money no do?

The other day, I called Ekaette Edem to earnestly discuss matters arising like her foine legs and one onyibo woman came on the line. So now your plan is to spoil my chances na by bringing white woman, ba? Wen I dey find de white woman, you no know say you go do dis one. Nonsense comcom people.

MTN and their stupid “Hinder-Net” data

Make I no even mention your internet. E reash to call am hinder-net. Page no dey load. I fit cook soup, make eba chop, make Indomie la fry hegg and garlish eet weet comabeef join chop am, plus soak garri and de page go stee dey look me like hungry mosquito wey wan suck blood and una go stee dey chop de data. Wen e manage load, to download jus 10mb of file – na de same time woman day use marry, carry belle and born pikin wey dem dey take bounce for floor. Na browsing be dat abi na life journey?!

Yesterday evening, Mansard make mistake allow you send insurance message for them. Chai! See ehn, my heart cut. I niarly die as I read de message sef.

Dem no see Etisalat manage to send, na you? MTN?? Dem don forget say ya service na nonsense? Abi dem no know? If you’re associated with them for insurance, anybody trying to cash in on their payment is finished oh! E better make dem just borrow, because even if na life assurance for pessin wey don kpai, una no go allow de payment to the beneficiary land until dem sef don die oh! Your service delivery is that awesome.

I register line two times, and you wan make I do number three. Na football hat-trick be dis? Please, block my line, I take sim card beg you. Block am! Block am na na! Make I know say dat white babe wey dry answer phone no go use green card, tempt me. But wait oh. If she gree be side chick, no wahala. Aklease, Green Card toh sure. MTN boya, no block am. Make I do runs fess.

Yours Regretfully and soon to never again be such,
Onianwa Onuora.

PS. Go and die.