Chioma ‘Chigul’ Omeruah and the need for FIN: because being Female In Nigeria is damn hard!

There have been numerous articles on a secret Facebook group called Female In Nigeria, popularly known as FIN. Some have been empathetic, some have been amusing. Some have bashed things they know nothing about, while other comments have been downright bizarre.

A few people have wailed that a group that cannot fix things such as finding a missing lady cannot possibly be useful. Very strange as FIN has never purported to be a police station or a Missing Persons centre, but…everybody with where dey pain am, I guess.

There have even been talks of demons and hell. There are people out there certain that Lucifer and his cohorts are behind a women’s empowerment group. I’d laugh if it were not so pathetic.

Anyway, Female In Nigeria. FIN. Bad. Don’t join because Satan. Also because no DPO in their station.

But what does all of this have to do with Chigul? Abi is she in FIN too?

No, Chigul is not in FIN. I mean…she might be; no be me dey mark attendance there. But the video intro that was released by Kemi Adetiba for the upcoming series KING WOMEN illustrated better than any FIN member could have, the reason for FIN.

You see, during this 3.45 minute video where Chigul discussed the separation from her husband and the resultant strain it caused between herself and her mother, not ONCE did she mention the cause of the separation. But I will tell you what she did mention.

In 225 seconds, Chigul used the following words:

• Resent (and all its permutations) – 4 times.
• Care (as in “nobody cared”) – 4 times.
• Wanted (“I wanted…nobody wanted…”) – 5 times.
• Feel (“I feel…I felt…”) – a heartbreaking 9 times.

Chigul discussed the FIGHT. The fight when you fight your own family. Your own aunts. Your own mother. The struggle when you feel like you are falling and there is no soft place to land.

Everybody deserves a safe place. A safe place where you are not judged and your happiness is paramount. Every human deserves to know that societal and moral judgement is not superior to their well being.

Yes, we know divorce is not the best solution, but do you think the person going through it does not know that? Is your condemnation and moral high ground bringing anything new to the table? Will your passionate recitals of Proverbs 31 help the woman? Or your fervent cries of 1 Peter 3:1 mend the marriage? Will your many Ephesians 5:25 help the man? And if I hear pim about War Room, I am liable to shoot someone. As for “It is well,” why say that at a time when it is decidedly NOT well? Who empty words don epp?

Support and Practical Advice and Tips

When you are going through hell and high water, you need support and practicality.

Practical advice looks like this:

“I’ve been through this exact same thing and let me tell you: hang in there/that road won’t help you/why not try it like this instead?

Support looks like this:

“We are here for you.
We’ve got your back.
You will never walk alone.
Are you the praying kind? Let’s pray.
Are you not? Fine, let’s chat.
I’m calling you. Please pick up the phone.
We will fight this with you.
We will shield you as best we can from the worst of it.
This will be your safe haven.”

Practical tips look like this:

“Do you need me to pick your kid up from school?
It’s not much but I’ve got some clothes Jamiu grew out of, you can come pick them up.
How are you doing for money? A friend of mine is looking for a shop assistant/heard of an opening in a company.
I know a lawyer that can help.
I AM A LAWYER THAT CAN HELP.”

The FIN Mission

Everything listed above is what FIN stands for and what FIN hopes to achieve. Is the group perfect? Far from it, but I am a firm believer in “Don’t get it perfect, get it done!”

For every time a ball may have been dropped, a hundred triumphs have been reported. Every time a wife has left her marital home, ten more have testified of marital bliss – from the newly-discovered wonders of the blow job to the bonding that can be found in simply communicating.

From stillbirths to miracle babies; from the freedom of spinsterhood to the joys of marriage; all the way from embracing celibacy to swinging from the chandeliers in sexual satisfaction; from recipe learning to corporate office balling; from domestic violence to domestic bliss, FIN has covered it all, discussed it all, and in so doing, helped many.

Why the secrecy???

One of the most frequent aspersions cast on the FIN group is “If it’s so helpful, why is it such a secret? Only things of darkness are secret! It’s a cult! It is demonic and set up by Satan and his goons!” (because Satan put out a memo advising people of his plans to…you know what? Never mind).

I suppose the best way I can answer this is by showing you firsthand what judgement looks like and how it can cripple.

This is one of the comments from a reader after watching the short video by Chigul:

I appreciate her encouraging effusions… but if there is a general mantra to life, which is: Don’t Give Up – and this has been effectively applied to achieving outstanding successes in career and other of life’s pursuit; why does marriage seem an impossible aspiration to which we could employ the never give-up mantra. Why do we find it easy to see ”the opt-out” option as the alternative even when we are about to get married?

Hahaha! I hear “All well and good, but you quit on marriage. You took the easy way out and you failed at being married.”

This means nothing  when it comes from a stranger. You can dust it off. When a person hears it from their pastor, their parent, their best friend, the society at large, it becomes a burden on one’s neck. You internalise it and you do the “God is good!” nonsense. Because it feels like nobody gets you and there is no point exposing yourself to judgement.

The devil is in the detail, not in the secrecy

That is why FIN is secret. This is why you cannot apply to join. If we wanted a group of “Let us do it as we have been doing it so that it may seem the way it has always seemed,” we’d go to church.

Instead, FIN strives for a group of women who know exactly what the pain of silence looks like. A group who want change. Who believe it is possible to be happy in this life as well as the afterlife, should you be the kind of person who gives consideration to such thoughts.

FIN did not help Chigul because it wasn’t around at the time of her separation. Who knows if she would have even leaned on FIN were it around at the time? This is just academic at this point.

But the fact remains that it is useful for many women. There are THOUSANDS who seek a no-judgement zone. And it is not a by force sontin. Lord knows there are no billboards advertising the group and there are no moves by the founders to make it a federal law mandating women to join.

If it ain’t your cup of tea, keep it moving lady (and men! I don’t get this one – why do men have an opinion on something they know nothing about?? ?) but don’t get on your soap box to discourage people who have found a haven.

And as for those who have their knickers in a twist claiming that FIN teaches immorality, saying it’s all about blow jobs and aphrodisiacs, just say you wanna join us! We might be able to teach you a thing or three???