When play-play turns to passive-aggressive: what are your thoughts on these wedding rules

According to twitter user @_Thalia_M, these wedding rules listed in the photos are for a friend’s wedding.

LHHSTAN thought the rules were funny and took them in good faith, which most likely points to the fact that s/he’s friends with the couple and didn’t take it to heart.

But I tell you what, if I were a guest to this wedding, I would do EVERYTHING the couple specifically asked that guests not do AND I would leave with a souvenir or three because screw you, that’s why.

Couples need to understand that guests that share your happy day with you are a privilege and not a right. We will probably take time out of our busy schedule, drive a while (some people will actually fly to attend your big day), arrange for childcare etc, spend money on a gift, buy aso ebi (if need be), and teeter about all night in uncomfortable heels in order to celebrate with you.

To give a Ten Commandments worthy list of dos and don’ts is just the height of rudeness to my mind, brings out the rebellious, belligerent spirit in me and makes me want to break out in a rash of swear words.

I’ll try to keep it clean though and give you the rules in case you can’t see them clearly as well as my instinctive responses as they pop into my head (edited for F bombs and such like):

1. The wedding ceremony starts from the Church. Please make plans to attend.
   Not if I don’t want to. That bit is sacred to you and matters to you. In years to come, you will remember how he looked the first time he saw you as you walked down the aisle and the sincerity in his eyes as he said his vows. I will remember the colicky baby crying behind me and the body odour of the man sat at my side. Leave me.Just kill me now, cos…
2. We want a truly romantic wedding. Please we ask that you do not turn it into an ‘agbero’ rowdy…Don’t shout. Don’t speak too loudly.
   I wish you WOULD come round with a Sound Level Meter and measure exactly how loud I am talking and what volume you would like me to reduce it to! Listen, birds of a feather flock together. If you yourself are not an agbero, then chances are your wedding will not be populated by agberos. And your ambience matters too. Do you think Kate and William Windsor had to appoint a monitor to write down names of noise makers? If you put up a canopy in the middle of your street and your DJ is playing Shakiti Bobo at eardrum-splitting decibels, don’t get sanctimonious with me when I have to holler just to be heard by the person seated next to me. Stop eet.
   
3. We want a pleasantly memorable event, so please try and participate.
   Participate as how? I’m well dressed. I’m wearing the heels. I came. I expect YOU to entertain me. I ain’t doing jack. Look at what your mates are doing:

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUgDY4z40Zo

4. The couple will prefer cash gifts. You can keep your coolers and blenders.
   I’ll tell you what else I’m keeping: my money in my account, you ungrateful so and so. Matter of fact, I’ma be giving you an envelope and when you open it, it’ll be a picture of me not giving you a penny.
5. There is no need to hustle for food and drinks. Simply call one of the approved coordinators and you will be served right where you are seated.
   I mean…I suppose you could also arrange a sit down menu or perhaps ensure that there are enough food stands and servers. Or maybe even a buffet so that people could go get their own food. Perhaps look at speaking with your servers and getting them to advise guests of when they will eat. Or…! And here’s a novel idea – understand that some people are just silly and don’t let that make you talk to the other guests who make up the majority of your party as though they were Somali refugees who have not seen food in a month of Sundays. Iranu.
6. Don’t be in a hurry to leave. Come and celebrate with the couple in truth.
   You’re right. Normally, I leave because I have to go, but since you’ve asked me so nicely, I’ll stay. Never mind that I have to be at three weddings today alone and still have to pick up the kids by 10pm. Lemme just stay here jare. Even sef, at night, all of us will go to the bridal suite.
7. Be friendly to guests.
   No.
   
8. When ‘spraying’ please don’t plaster the money on the foreheads of the couple.
   This will not even happy, have no fear because bank account…not giving you…see #4
9. Please pray along with the couple.
   I pray you receive sense. Amen.
   

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this though. Do the couple have a point or were their rules a little too much?