Jamie Oliver, the rice murderer: after Jollof rice comes the paella disaster


“Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.” This is a quote from Wasiu Ayinde Marshal and seems very relevant to Jamie Oliver right now.

When he was running amok with the travesty that was his attempt at Jollof* rice, the rest of the world left us to it. And quite rightly too; we do not need any help ripping him to shreds over this blasphemous behaviour.

So completely was he ripped apart; so scathingly excellent was his put down that I came very close to feeling something akin to sympathy. Not quite, but close. I mean, when he is not ruining national and international culinary bastions of culture, it would seem he spends the rest of his free time making babies. Lots of babies. So when I read the vicious responses following Jollofgate, I just had to think of them babies.

It would be tough having a father who sits in the corner of a darkened room rocking while clutching a bottle of rum in one hand and a mobile muttering “Where did I go wrong? But I thought that’s how Jollof is made?”

Even Tesco who contributed to him being a national nuisance would have nothing more to do with the entire debacle:

I thought he would skulk away eternally and stick to bangers and mash. And he did, for two years. Word on the street is he had to go private because the NHS don’t treat injuries caused by Foolishness and F*ckery, apparently.

It is, however, a testament to his resilience and adherence to Village Trouble that he is back ruining another national dish, this time, the Spanish paella.

This miscalculating miscreant decided to showcase paella – with his own unique twist. He added chorizo to it. What in God’s name was he thinking! I mean…I like paella. It’s no Jollof rice, but I like it for what it is. And even I know that chorizo sausage has no place in this Valencian meal. Perhaps he just thought “Paella is from Spain, chorizo is from Spain. What could possibly go wrong?”

Oh, the backlash was swift, sweet, and savage. This is what paella actually looks like:


This is the adalu (mish-mash; everything in one pot) that Jamie cooked:


Are you now understanding the outrage? Good. And now, the responses:


Indeed, the shame of it all. I am starting to suspect that Mr Oliver is not to be trusted with rice at this point. He should just…I dunno…is it possible to just ask a chef to stick to boiling water? I think he would be really really good at that.

*All Jollof started with a capital J because respect.

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