Single mothers are bitter, selfish, miserable women? Hian! No, we are just really, really tired

But why do people say that single mothers are bitter, selfish, miserable women? What a load of bollocks!

We are not bitter. We are just really, really tired and all we want to do is sleep, for shit’s sake. Because the exhaustion and sleeplessness can make us terribly cranky and irritable, and all the meatheads in the world will mistake our fatigue for bitterness. We are not miserable.

Or is it our looks? Do we LOOK miserable? Sure, we don’t have perky boobs and flat tummies anymore, but we wear very nice, supportive bras, so you can’t actually tell that our boobs are floppy unless you look very carefully. Or unless we remove those bras.

As for our wobbly guts, we can’t be arsed about corsets because corsets are kinda pricey and we really need to pay school fees. Let not the stretch marks and cellulite and all the adipose tissues lie to you that we are miserable. We totally want to go to the gym, we absolutely want to look like Lilian Muli or Julie Gichuru, but we are just really, really tired and all we want to do is sleep, for fuck’s sake.

They say we are selfish because we only think about our children, and when someone dates us, they will always come last? Oh, what a mound of fecal matter! True, when a little person rips apart your undercarriage and ruins your pelvic floor, you are bound to think about them always, for the rest of your life.

I mean, you don’t just forget that this is the heap of organs that permanently disfigured your vagina when passing through the birth canal. But it is all a big misunderstanding.

We are not obsessed with our kids. In fact, they are the ones obsessed with us. This means that everyday we do things like hiding from them, running away from them and (contemplating) putting them up for adoption.

Let it be known that when we see the boyfriends once in a month, it is not because they come last. It is because the offspring we spawned, those little monsters, locked us inside the toilet and they were unable to open the door, so we were trapped in the toilet for weeks while they lived by themselves like starving, abandoned children.

And when we cancel a date on the last minute because “something came up”, it is also not because they come last. It is because the little arsonists mysteriously lit a fire in the kitchen and the house is burning and we are about to be homeless.

And by the time we have gone to seek shelter at our parents’ houses, we are really, really tired and all we want to do is sleep, for the love of God.

Basically, we are pretty great people who are exhausted with an overdose of sleep deprivation. I mean, we would completely love, love, love to be bitter, selfish and miserable, but our (emotions) schedules are tight. No slot for all that shit.

So can we get nice orthopaedic mattresses?