#TeamPetty – a year on and I still don’t stan for Jidenna

See, let me tell you ehn, if Jidenna likes, he can sew all the Ankara shirts in the world. He can use all the hair relaxer God made to achieve his finger waves.

I don’t like Jidenna aka Uncle Revlon Hair Relaxer.

I heard about his inane witterings long before I heard his debut bestseller, Classic Man, and since then, I have no place in my life for Jidenna. I’ve never heard the hit single from beginning to end and I ain’t even sorry.

Apparently, this brotha here said that when he was to come to Nigeria for his father’s burial, he had to ship in AK-47s for his protection. Y’know…on account of him being mixed race and light skinned and all that.

What a waawwuuu. Do people just open their mouth and spew whatever superiority-complex bile they’ve got marinating in there? Na by yellow? If people were kidnapped based on the colour of their skin, three quarters of Lagos babes would be walking around with paper bags over their heads. Lord knows they’re many of them lighter than Jidenna now.

But I digress.

I can only hope that his big head peeped Mark Zuckerberg trekking around Lagos sans security. $50bn just strolling down the street like he was in the Hamptons, and Jidenna Omo Yibo is talking about AK-47s because of small yellow that Tura soap can achieve.

The REAL Reason Why I Don’t Go Hard for Jidenna

Look, I no follow tomato come from Jos. I know that obscene amounts must have been spent on keeping Mr Zuckerberg safe. My point is, there were no armoured tanks or bulletproof vests. Every single post he’s made about his trip so far has been positive and life-affirming. He has only photographed and shown the good side of Nigeria. The buzz, the fun, the pizazz of that fantastic country. Something our very own son of the soil could not do.

So I am not fooled by all this new-age African-ness. When you only use your birthplace as a gimmick to sell songs, then you are appropriating the culture just as much as the White girl with braids and beads in her hair does. If the only time you remember that you are Nigerian is just to throw a little shoki or azonto into the mix, then you’re no Nigerian; you’re just a pretender to the throne of African greatness. Lean back.

Jidenna understands that no matter what the Janelle Monaes or the Erykah Badus do, they will never be the real McCoy. They will never be African. And he knows that every ‘woke’ or ‘hotep’ Shayquan and DeShawn is searching for that source; that umbilical cord. Something to tie them back to the roots; the mother-ship.

So my boy is serving up that African platter in a nice, non-threatening cappuccino-coloured skin tone and Dark n’ Lovely perm. He’s that equal opportunities hustler. He’s got both the Leshaniquas with their multiple Kente wristbands and the Beckys with their good hair out here strumming to his tunes.

And I still won’t mess with him.

I Would Say Schadenfreude, But Bad Belle Is Easier To Spell

So why all this many turenchi, you may ask? It’s not like Jidenna is carrying a placard begging for some Viva Naija lovin’.

It is because, even after all this time, I still don’t send him. It’s petty, I know, but he can miss me with his ethnic-faking ass. But it goes even deeper than that. I am actually quite happy when other people don’t come out for him either. Generally if said people are black. Particularly if said people are Nigerian.

So when I saw this here meme:

My whole body just started sweeting me. I was like this!!

Wait, wait, wait, I have one more!

Haha! Suck it, Jido-ski!

I was speaking with a couple friends and they had great PR initiatives for the Classic Fail. They said

In any case he should move back to Naija like Banky and eLDee(who has since moved back) and he might be taken a tad more seriously.

…He ought to introduce himself with a number featuring Phyno and Olamide, allow it to percolate for a while. Then start showing up at nicely packaged Naija shows. Followed by a cover of one popular song. He needs to learn our street lingo. I personally have not forgiven him for saying ‘omo Niger’ instead of ‘omo Naija’

This means this boy doesn’t stop sinning! Omo Niger as how?! FOH with that mess! Anyway, I trust my Bariga Boo Olamide, and my personal Igbo Bae Phyno. Dem no go follow judge dis kain nonsense and ebelebor matter.

I don’t like Jidenna. Have I said that already?