Njideka staggered into the brown stained compound, not caring for the wide eyed stares that greeted her.

She counted her steps, fearing the fall of a lifetime that would be pleased to receive her swollen buttocks on the ground. Her blood stained eyes that matched the color on her lips crawled grudgingly from the ground onto the black gate as she approached. Pressing on to the edge of the iron tightly for support, she climbed the three cemented stairs one by one, as slow as she could manage.

Standing taller on the porch, she rested her back against the gate, catching her breath, and fumbled for the keys in her pocket to unlock the adjoining door.

Njideka threw her bag on the floor as she stepped into the plastered wall space she called her room, and headed straight to the bathroom, unable to hold back the salty raindrops that trickled down her cheeks, any longer. She bit her lower lip in pain, clenching her black chiffon top to her chest, as she heaved loudly.

A minute passed, then she breathed in deeply, looking up in the mirror right above the toilet zinc she held onto, and thought to herself in despair;

“The never ending chaos in disguise of what not!

The utmost uncertainty I am fueled with by the realization that I will never understand. I will never know, for now, it will never come to be.

I am filled with disgust by this ache in my heart that drives me to tears as I am drowned in thoughts. Thoughts on what I hoped would last, thoughts of misconceptions that denied me the sanity to act myself.

Could I have ever dreamed of the day I would understand what you should be to me?

Did I ever think I would need to?
For what could prepare me for this??

Absolutely nothing!

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