The Hoe Chronicles: The Difference Between Oloso, Hoeslers and Groupies


Those ladies you see hanging around in that popular club wey dey Lagos Island are called OLOSO. Although dem get Lekki as postcode, na 16 per room dem dey live. Na yahoo boys and stingy politicians wey dey knack under the influence of local herbs dey carry dem. They are paid what is known as ‘thanks for coming’ in local currency. The longest trip they can go is to the FCT, Abuja. They are desperate human beings and chronic debtors.

Oloso wey don upgrade her packaging with augmented boobie, bumbum and bleached skin na im dem dey refer to as HOELOSO. Na dem, dem dey carry go Dubai for weekend fellowship and shopping.

The ones wey really crase among dem, wey sabi do anal and corprophalia are called HOESLERS. Na those ones dey collect ‘thanks for coming’ in hard currency.

The ones wey get stamina well well, wey sabi do 8-some, na dem dey follow dem go watch Grand Prix, and provide entertainment at the after party. These ones for their ‘thanks for coming’ dey get cars, accommodation rent money, designer shoes and bags, and cost of further cosmetic surgeries picked up by their bae.

The mixed-race and foreign-based ones na dem dey go London and Paris. The bae dey trust dem with im car keys, and can leave them alone at their home in London while im go about im business.

Don’t confuse OLOSO with GROUPIES. Even though the line of profession is similar, career paths are totally different.
Oloso no dey get belle anyhow. E no dey dier code of conduct because they still want to settle down and have a happy home in the future. For the present, they just want to make money and enjoy life, so their target customer is totally different from the groupies.

Groupies want fame and quick success. The quickest way to get these is to sleep with a music star and get belle. Then go on social media and announce to the guy to come and claim his pikin if he doesn’t want thunder to kill him. As easy as that, dem done blow! Followers go increase. Dem go dey trend for every blogs. If the guy gree come collect the baby, dem don hammer be dat. Dem go dey collect free monthly upkeep money. If the guy na strong were and im no gree claim the belle, dem go abort am. Na bad market be dat. Dem go move to the next target. ‘Baby-mama’ na profession to groupies and not a thing of shame. Several role models dey as proof say this thing dey work. No be lie.

When Oloso wan finally retire, dem dey retire to church. Dem go give their life to christ and join a department in the church. Afterall, nobody wey no get past.

End of lecture. Any questions?

In the absence of any questions, class rep, get the attendance and meet me in my office.

And to those of you who are yet to buy my handout, you are playing MMM with your GP. I don’t need to remind you the unit point of my course abi?

Good evening.

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