- 32shares
- 32Facebook
- 0Twitter
- 0Pinterest
- 0LinkedIn
- 0Email
- 0Reddit
I’ve got a question today, thanks to my mind whipping up highlight reels from past experiences. It’s quite simple really: how on earth do you date a Nigerian (and not completely screw up while at it like me)?Β But it seems I’m so interested in exploring this that I’ve jumped the gun already, even though we’ve probably never met. I’m sorry, pardon my manners.
Hi there!
I know I just got here and this is my first article but letβs just hope weβll be great together. How are you, your mother, father and siblings? How is the entire family? If all is well, doxology!
Damn, I suck at small talk.
So let me just tell you a story instead.
Once upon a time, I was hanging out with my friends knocking out each other on FIFA. Whenever I lose, I take that time to reply my then girlfriend in our never ending BBM conversation that has ended now. I was also chatting with two other girls (no toasting involved o!) and a few homies. One time sha, I picked my phone to check my messages and saw the all-time question protecting Nigerian relationships since Adam started wearing boxer shorts made with cocoyam leaves.
βHave you eaten?β
Now, I wouldnβt have really thought about it that much but within the space of 15 minutes, the two other babes I was having a conversation with asked the same question. Mo daran!
To my girlfriend, I replied, βYes.β
If I hear say I don chop that morning shaβ¦ Of course I hadnβt, I was busy whooping and getting my ass whooped on that yeye soccer game all morning. Beans still dey fire. I was a very yeye boyfriend (I think I still am) but not so stupid that I would not know that she would freak out if I said I hadnβt. And I wonder why. It wasnβt like I was emaciated when she met me, abi? But for the sake of peace, just say yes and let her rest. Sheβs simply saying she cares about you. If you like, be forming Rambo; is it your caring?
And we have an idea who they learnt this from β our mothers. Nigerian mothers will flog the daylight out of you and while youβre still sulking, theyβll tell you to come and eat. And we mumu children will forget that we almost had an out of body experience after accommodating 36 kpankere on our backs just a few minutes prior. Mummy loves us, and in any case, who dares fight with food?
So God help you if you donβt return the favour. It simply means you donβt care. Or you donβt love her. Or him. Never mind the fact that youβre in a relationship with an adult human being; you will break up, I tell you.
And if you think thatβs all, wait till your boyfriend or girlfriend says βTake care of yourself for me oh!β Wait, what happened to just βTake care of yourselfβ? With this, you begin to wonder if youβve still got diapers on or you have no motivation whatsoever to take care of yourself in the first place that you have to do whatβs actually good for you on your loverβs behalf.
And in the process of taking care of yourself and showing that you care, should babe/boo/beau/baeΒ be going from Point A to Point B, you must also monitor the movement of your significant other with incessant phone calls – especially when theyβre visiting. It doesnβt matter if that person is going from Mile 12 to Ketu, Yaba to Ojuelegba or Lagos to Ibadan; just pick up the phone and ask βSo where are you now?β every 10 minutes. Screw logic β youβre not Superman and thereβs nothing you can really do about the journey but that’s not the point. It also doesnβt matter if the person on the journey is actually responsible for updating whoever is waiting every now and then just in case. Just call! The journey or distance is not whatβs important o; showing that you care is. If you donβt, youβre in trouble.
So forget what any relationship book or manual tells you β if itβs not written by one of us, dating a Nigerian is not like dating any other human on earth. Communicating with one isnβt either. We have our quirks, sweet spots and all. It can be so annoying sometimes (for me itβs all the time but who that wan epp?) but hey, enjoy it because you wonβt find any relationship like it anywhere else.
Get more stuff like this
in your inbox
Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.
Thank you for subscribing.
Something went wrong.
It’s more to your advantage If you say you haven’t eaten…some girls that are not me will rush down with cooler of your best dish… as for the calling up and down… some guys do it on their own and some girls like me find it very annoying….but then again different strokes for different folksπ
I should say I haven’t eaten and geh will bring food to come and interrupt epic gaming session. Who send am?
Yeah, guys that do that incessant calling shit sha… LOL!
Well there are boyfriends and then there is deoye…yeye boyfriend
hmmm… all my “I have not eaten” has only gotten me “Ehya!” and “Find something na” which i tell you does nothing to fill the belly…oya just WHAT am i doing foul?
Setting up a committee to look into that.
or is it im not important enough to feed? ISSOKAY
You don’t know her mumu button
Dolapo Decker …well issorai…if una wee not feed me, i wee feed myself… hmph!
Come and take cow…..
Dolapo Decker …cow nunu?
You know what I’m talking about nah…
Dolapo Decker …i do indeed… but thats a different kind of hunger… i need nourishment for the belly first! and then after that we wee play “find the n***le”
When did cow nunu stop being nourishment? π¦
Dolapo Decker … the day diapers were traded for trousers
πππππ you lie
I agree wholeheartedly. And that’s why I just “maintain my champion” as we say on the streets (only the Sneh-Clan would understand). Nor be by force by faya to date.#Dazzal
The whole fakery and phuckery of the “I-Care-Trait” gets on my nerves bajebaje! Lemme jus kip kwayet. Na public forum we dey.
Omg so true πππ
Very true lol, so many endearing quirks x
A few years back I was asked how was your night, I didn’t know how to answer this found it a very strange question lol, I was used to how was your day but never how was your night. I recall thinking I slept what else could I say, now I know the meaning behind it
Ah yes, we’re a strange lot with strange quirks, but super adorable!
Very!