Why do married men in the UK toast single girls though??

I understand that when men toast babes, it goes way beyond fiki-faka. Sure, I know that part of the pride is to get her to “play mummy and daddy play” with you. After all, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it fall, did it really fall? If you toast a babe and it wants to look like she gelled, but y’all didn’t get to chyke, did she really gel? Bed post notches are important; I get that.

I also know all about the ego boost. The younger and finer the lady is, the better for the playa reputation. If the lady should also have the added reputation of being hard to get, then it will be difficult to stop the man from taking a slot on the BBC to announce it. I can imagine men having the conversation with their wives. “Honey, please don’t be angry o, but omo, just look at this babe’s profile pic! And this other picture too! And guess what?! Last Wednesday here, she finally greed for me! No, not the day I went for that meeting, the day I told you there was Gentlemen’s Prayer Meeting in Church that the pasto…yeeeeeh! Yeeeehhhh! Mummy Bukola!!! Yeeeeh, my head o!”

But have you all thought about what it is that would make a woman agree to date a married man? Or did you really believe that you were that charming and that your jokes were indeed that funny? Or that she, unlike your wife, never tires of hearing what Akin from Accounting did once again to look for your trouble?

Well, I’ve had a meeting with the ladies who don’t mind dealing with married men and guess what? They’ve given me permission to give y’all the expo. They get with you for money. Or contacts that will help their ambition. Or money. But if all else fails, they’ll take money. No more; no less. Don’t come at me with “Oh, then what’s the difference between them and prostitutes?!” or the eternally stupid “Could it not be possible that she enjoyed the s3x as much as I did??”  Don’t be an idiot. It’s these Benjamins and/or who you know, and nothing else. Argue with your empty bank account.

Friendship, similar values, compatible s3x drives, home training etc are traits we look for in a potential partner. You are not that.

Yes, she probably thinks you’re nice. Yes, she sometimes thinks you’re funny. And yes, you probably lay good pipe (I mean…I doubt it, but I’m not trying to burst all your bubbles at once). But your jokes ain’t funny and your s3x ain’t worth diddly if she’s no better off for having you in her life than she is without you there.

Nigerian Aristos Are Bae

It is easy to shine as an aristo or a sugar daddy in Nigeria. Just ensure you get a girl ever so slightly below your pecking order and you’re good to go. If you have seven cars in your garage, then by all means, holla at the Joselyn Dumas lookalike and give her a car for her trouble and time.

And if you yourself are in a Santana, find yourself a newbie to the game. Someone who is still a bloody pedestrian. Who still has the original colour her mama born am with. Give her 5,000 for cab fare to get home and watch her walk like she’s trying to flag a cab only to jump on okada from your Ikeja junction all the way to Oworonshoki.

But if you yourself are on your Leggedez Benz, there’s still no need to despair. Go to your village. Buy the girl Bird’s custard, Nasco cornflakes, and six yards of Dutch wax for her mother and you’re buns. If care is not taken sef, the mother will go to dibia on top of your matter.

Naija aristos give 20k for “Thanks for coming”. Mobile phones are perfectly acceptable aristo gifts. You can ask your aristo to “raise you” and transferring small cash into your account is considered legitimate panty-dropping behaviour.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Please, which of the items listed above can a married man in the UK do? In what universe can you withdraw £300 from the family budget and your wife won’t notice? Can you book two flights to Spain for a short weekend break? With which money? The gods of Direct Debit and Credit Card Payments won’t allow you!

And where will you tell madam you’re going? And these network providers are obviously sent by Satan himself. Whenever a phone is abroad, the ring tone will be different. So your madam KNOWS you crossed the Channel.

In Nigeria, oga is sitting in master’s bedroom and calling bae and telling her he really enjoyed the way she rubbed his tummy after the afang soup she cooked that day. Try yourself with these London houses that are built with ply-board. Oga will flush the toilet one million times to create some noise while whispering how much he loves you. And small time sef, that one will stop because here comes Thames Water writing you about prolonged and excessive use of water at your property. Now, madam is curious.

Okay, I’m a bit strapped for cash and I need some money, what can you give me? My landlord is stressing me and I need to move out, can you afford one month’s deposit plus a month’s rent? Lol, when you don’t want Sango to fire you by the time you tell madam that you’re a bit short on YOUR SHARE of this month’s mortgage payment.

For crying out loud, even if I were to need a new phone, I go to my network provider for that sexy Samsung S7 Edge. So really, Vodafone is a better aristo than you guys. Na wa.

Is there anything you can actually do? Other than top up my oyster card from time to time, that is?! The height of smelling-ness is visiting a guy and y’all have to take long, romantic walks to the bus stop.

Fine Geh Isn’t for Everyone. Maintain Your Lane.

All you ladies need to stop empowering nonsense. If you want a fully committed relationship, know that you will not get that from a man who has to drop you off at the cinema and then drive round the block first for fear that someone who knows his wife will see him walking in with you.

Understand that there is no respect in a man freezing mid-thrust because he hears his wife’s designated ringtone emanating from his mobile phone in the pocket of his hurriedly cast aside trousers. The only thing that soothes such heart-piercing pain is shopping. Or cold, hard cash. And, as mentioned exhaustively above, London men can’t do you right like that!

He can’t wife you, he can’t settle you, and he can’t be seen with you. He is what is known in Latin as “Baddus Marketus.” If the only thing that he’s bringing to the party is a penis and a smile, you may as well find you a young stud and get busy. If you are to eat a frog, ensure that you eat a pregnant frog. What will it cost you? Pata pata, a couple of the latest games on Nintendo DS. Or whatever these young guns are into nowadays.

“At all at all na e bad pass” is the hallmark of mediocrity. Don’t let these married men use their dry, parched bread to pack your sweet, succulent stew. It “doesn’t” worth it.