Victor Ibeh’s Desk: is he right for me? Am I ready for longterm commitment?

I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 months. I have anger issues and not very patient, but I seem to attract only people that worsen it for me and they are always broke too. My last relationship was a long distance one; our communication being solely on WhatsApp. He hardly called because he said he had no money for airtime and I told myself I wouldn’t spend my money again on a guy.

Every time we quarrel, he will just block me on WhatsApp. In a space of three months, he had blocked me four times. After the last time he blocked me, I told him I can’t continue like this, but he kept apologising. I accepted to carry on because I knew I was mostly the cause of our quarrel and I nag a lot when I’m angry but I felt no love for him. I carried on for two weeks but couldn’t endure anymore (impatience), and called it off.

He says he felt bad for me because he is the best guy for me and no one will be able to accommodate me. I felt bad and almost believed him because he helped to build me up spiritually and he has so much confidence in himself and his future. He says he always prays for me and will help me achieve my dreams but he is still living in his parents house at 36!

Victor, he does nothing now; he just bakes cakes for people occasionally and wants to be a minister, but I’m scared because I don’t know whether to trust or believe him. This has been my fear all along. Our major fights come up when I try to suggest to him to get something doing that can bring a steady income. Sorry for the long story, but I’m posting with a heavy heart because I don’t know how to solve my issues. I am tired of this constant breaking up. Maybe I should take a break? Maybe I should just work on myself first, what do you think? I am 25, lives with my parents cause I did a bad investment that brought me to square one.

Your anger issues and impatience are some of the reasons behind your failed relationships. It is difficult to sustain a relationship when you can’t put your anger under control. Anger will make you overreact to issues. It can amplify little issues in your mind thereby causing you to take irrational decisions. You need to see a therapist and get some professional help.

In the meantime, stay away from relationships and work on yourself. Inasmuch as your partners have their own faults, your anger issues are not helping you. You will keep moving in cycles until you work on yourself. A person who is a slave to anger cannot be trusted.

You also need to redefine what your relationship values and expectations are. What do you want in a man? Why do you want to be in a relationship? From what you just told me I can safely assume that you didn’t love your ex. You still have a certain sense of entitlement. The idea that you won’t spend your money on any guy shows that you do not understand what a relationship should be.

If you love people you must spend on them. However, you shouldn’t spend foolishly. That is the difference. Saying that you will not spend on a man is not sign of a woman who is serious about emotional commitment. Parties to a relationship owe each other a duty to spend on themselves. You can’t love without giving. A man must give to his woman and a woman must give to her man.

Giving in a relationship is not gender specific. If you say you don’t want a broke or rather lazy man, that is understandable. By all means stay away from any man who has no source of income. Any man that would turn into a liability; stay away from him, but don’t make it a rule that you will not spend on your man. Giving in a relationship is a mutual affair. Good luck!

Do you agree with Victor? What would you have advised?

Good evening sir,

Please, I have a question. I heard if a woman leaves university and she doesn’t find or get a husband, it will be hard for her to see or get one elsewhere. Is this true? Secondly, can dating in university really lead to marriage? Because the way I see University love, all guys want is sex. Just sex. Women may have love to offer, but  most guys just want to press brezz and run.