Loose lips sink ships: the pastors, their mistresses, and the problem with discretion


Oh, y’all thought it was over? It is only just popping awwwwf! Look, igboro ti daru, make no mistake. It’s like Apostu Suleman has more cars than Coscharis, more whores than a German brothel, and is single-handedly keeping the Nigerian film industry afloat. Worse still, not one of his lady friends can keep a secret.

I hear tell the man of god is in America now, probably on some revival or anointing service, possibly sourcing for replacement vagina. Who can tell when the lines are this blurred? I’d stay there if I were him. Nigeria is altogether too hot for a man whose secrets keep spilling the way that they are.

This brings me quite roundly to the need for discretion in these matters. For the ladies, it is the number one requirement when offering your affections for cold hard cash, but I’ve seen more leak-proof tomato baskets than these cohorts of Apostle. In fact, it doesn’t seem to be about Apostle Suleman anymore; these women are simply ‘nakeding’ themselves in the market square as they come to grips with the fact that the gravy train is coming to a screeching halt.


Because if you think for a moment that any of the parties involved care about the scandal, you are grossly mistaken. Virtue is an expensive character trait and cannot buy a Jeep. These ladies are prepared for the eventuality: one day people will know that it is in fact not hard work and women empowerment that paid for their lifestyle but a man with long throat and even longer wallet. You think they care? Na today aristo start for Nigeria? Or indeed in the world? Getting caught out is simply CODB – Cost of Doing Business. Nah, they dust it off like it ain’t no thing and move on.

They could always move to another benefactor, but which man you know wants to hang with someone notorious for sex scandals? No, the likelihood is that once a FAT cash cow dies, it will be nigh on impossible to replace it. If they are smart, hopefully they will have more than a Gucci bag and a fast-depreciating car to show for their valiant vaginal endeavours. The small pure water/food/transport business they set up for just such an event should come in very useful, thank you very much.

Aluta continua.

What I previously never understood was why the men never seemed to have a back-up plan. No PR, no story, no escape route. From Clinton to Biodun Fatoyinbo, the lead pastor at COZA to Apostu Suleman, their explanations for sexing up women all ranged from ostrich behaviour to flat out denial. Despite sperm on dresses, higher levels of grace and licence plate registrations.

But the reason is now unavoidably clear. They don’t need one.

Bill Clinton’s popularity just kept on rising. If anything, it’s his wife American’s didn’t really send.

Biodun Fatoyinbo’s church is now fuller and wealthier before.

Shebi last week Sunday, there were people in Apostle Suleman’s Omega Fire Ministries? Shebi tomorrow is Sunday? You will see crowd.

Finally, and most importantly, there are ladies seeing all of this unravelling and thinking “Wait o, so that Apostu hold bar like that???? Hian!” and are lining themselves up to be the next HR directors in his little clandestine company. Lord knows if they ain’t doing any hiring, they’re doing a heck of a lot of firing.

There is no need for excuses, reasons or justifications because there simply are no consequences. Every once in a while, another story erupts and we remember the indiscretions of their predecessors, but by and large, it’s Business As Usual.

My condolences to the ladies who have lost the main source of income. Things are hard on these streetz and very few are employing these days.

My felicitations to the ladies who have seen an income opportunity and will prime themselves to be the smart-choice candidate.

Gbogbo won ma wa alright.

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