Marriage scares the hell out of me

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marriage

The thought of marriage scares the hell out of me. This is worse because of the fact that I’m a compulsive loner.

The thought of having another person invade my space for the rest of my life scares the shit out of me.

The thought of the fact that someone is going to feel entitled to getting an explanation for everything I decide to do scares me.

There are days I don’t want phone calls, and I don’t want to reply to messages.

The last two times I had a fight with my boyfriend, it was because he sent me messages and I didn’t reply, even though I was off work and appeared to be online one of the days. It was just one of those days I wanted to be left alone. One of those moments I wanted the rest of the world to exist like I don’t exist.

He asked, and I told him I owed him no explanation about when I choose to reply my messages.

He was angry, VERY ANGRY. I later apologized because I realized that I actually do owe him every detail of explanation for the things I do and why I do them. I realized that explanation is part of the “baggage” that comes with being in a relationship.

I’m a person who likes the rest of the world to exist and not bother my life. I hate my space and privacy invaded.

So, how am I going to cope with being married? How will I cope when the children come and become clingy?

Don’t tell me I will be so overwhelmed with love, so I will want to spend all my times with them. That’s a LIE, at least not applicable to me.
I’ve been overwhelmed with love all my life, but I’ve never wanted to spend all my time with the most endeared people in my life.

I love children, but I just want to have some hours of the day with them and go back into my shell to have my alone time. We all know this lifestyle won’t be possible when I become a mother. The irony of it is that I still crave to become a mother.

I worry a lot about marriage. And most of my fears revolve around losing myself, and having less or no alone times.

Having MY OWN SEPARATE ROOM is non negotiable. That would even be a prenuptial agreement. There’s no way I would share a room continuously for like ten years without getting depressed. I just need my room, somewhere I can have my “me time”, and clear my head. I will call it my “SHRINE”.

I don’t know how to qualify myself, but my greatest strength comes from being alone. If I ever invent anything great in life, I’m sure such invention would be a product of the several lines of thoughts that pop up my brain when I’m alone.

What is my current fantasy?
Because I love babies, just find a man with a good gene. Get pregnant and have two children. No marriage, just joint custody. We will just co-parent. The only connecting link would be the kids.

What might be.
1. I will fall in love with a man, and will want to spend the rest of my life with him.
2. My mum will remind me of my age, I will kuku just get married so that she will find another thing to worry about… something different from my marital status, just for a change.

So many young Nigerians are just like me. But guess what… Most of us will still get married, not necessarily because we found that person that we fell deeply in love with and changed our perspectives, but because we have to satisfy our families and society. And we spend the rest of our lives giving people the impression that we got married for the right reasons.

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